How do I balance being loving and being strict as a parent?

Rabbi Landau teaches that parents today live on extremes. Either they are best friends with their kids, or they terrorize them, and both destroy a child. Chazal say, “Smol docheh v’yamin mekareves”: with the left hand push away, and with the right hand draw close. “That’s not poetry. That’s a blueprint for parenting.”

One extreme is the parent who never says no. The child wants to run outside in the storm? Sure, sweetie. He wants to do anything, break anything: always yes. “That’s not love. That’s abandonment wrapped in softness.” The other extreme is the parent who always says no. A cookie, no. A question, no. A feeling, no. Always no isn’t strength; it is fear dressed as control.

The Torah model, he explains, is hierarchy with closeness. “We’re not equal, but you get my heart. I validate what you feel, but I still lead.” Firm voice and soft eyes, boundary with attachment, like a shepherd holding the staff in one hand and the lamb in the other. This middle path raises emotionally secure, spiritually strong children.

“A parent who can’t say no, loses their child. A parent who can’t say yes, loses their soul. Torah teaches you how to keep both.”

Going deeper: Rabbi Landau's teaching, level by level

Surface claim

Parenting by extremes, the best friend or the dictator, harms a child either way.

Fear, vulnerability, or tension

Always saying yes is abandonment wrapped in softness; always saying no is fear dressed as control.

Underlying need or longing

A child needs both: a parent who leads and a parent whose heart he has. Validation together with leadership.

Deepest human truth

With the left hand push away and with the right draw close. Boundary with attachment raises children who are emotionally secure and spiritually strong.

More questions from this teaching

• Is it bad to always say yes to my child?