Should I confront my child the moment I catch him doing something wrong?

Rabbi Landau answers: never catch your child. Don’t try to prove you’re right. “You’re developing him. You’re teaching him,” and that doesn’t have to happen in the same moment the story happened. You can teach him two weeks later too.

He learns this from Yaakov Avinu. At the end of his life, by his bed, Yaakov gathered his children and began to give them the berachos. Then he hinted to each one: Reuven, you think I don’t know the story? Shimon and Levi, you really think I never heard what you did? He had held it in for years, and only before he left did he tell them, and in a very nice way.

Why did he wait? Rabbi Landau explains that Yaakov wanted to teach his children that as long as you are alive and have to face your child tomorrow, don’t confront him. Today is not the time to bust him; today is the time to believe in him.

Going deeper: Rabbi Landau's teaching, level by level

Surface claim

A parent’s job is to develop a child, not to catch him or prove himself right.

Fear, vulnerability, or tension

In A Soul at Peace, Rabbi Landau describes the natural urge: “React. And do it now, ‘while it’s still hot.’ Don’t let him slip away. Catch him.”

Deepest human truth

Yaakov held his rebuke for years and gave it at the end, gently. While you still have to face your child tomorrow, today is the time to believe in him.

More questions from this teaching

• Why did Yaakov wait until the end of his life to rebuke his sons?