Why can't I change no matter how hard I push myself?

Rabbi Landau teaches that “the real change begins when you stop trying to force yourself to change.” Most of life, he says, is not about pushing harder. It's about entering the right door.

You want to become better, make money, grow, see your whole life move. So you push yourself, fix yourself, fight yourself. “But sometimes the problem is not you. Sometimes you're just standing outside the wrong door.”

That is what Dovid HaMelech asked for: “Pischu li sha'arei tzedek,” open for me the gates of righteousness. He didn't ask for strength to break the wall; he asked for the right gate. When a person goes into the right environment, the right truth, the right surroundings, the changes he was trying to chase begin to happen by themselves.

“Your life changes,” Rabbi Landau says, “when you stop fighting the wrong door.”

Going deeper: Rabbi Landau's teaching, level by level

Surface claim

Change often comes from entering the right door, not from pushing harder.

Fear, vulnerability, or tension

After years of fighting himself, a person starts to wonder whether he is simply weak. In A Soul at Peace, Rabbi Landau writes that the sweat and despair don't prove weakness. They prove he is facing the wrong way.

What may be behind it

In the book he notes that the Sages say “keep far from a bad neighbor,” not “fight him.” Change your location.

Deepest human truth

Stop asking “Why do I keep failing?” and start asking “Where is the right door for me?” That question is itself a prayer.

More questions from this teaching

• How does my environment affect my ability to change?