Why do my promises to change stop me from actually changing?

Rabbi Landau teaches that “the more you promise, the less you will do.” A promise, he says, can be the very thing that stops you from changing.

He gives an example from home. Your wife tells you that even when you’re home, you’re not really there. For a moment you feel empty, and you tell yourself, “I promise, from now on, I’ll be different.” Immediately you feel better. “You feel like a different person already, even though you haven’t done anything. That’s why the change never comes.”

The reason, he explains, is that “we promise because we can’t tolerate the emptiness we feel right now.” The promise fills that emptiness so quickly that we no longer do the thing that was supposed to fill it. “The promise becomes a painkiller.”

His conclusion is the old teaching of the Sages, אֱמוֹר מְעַט וַעֲשֵׂה הַרְבֵּה, say little and do much: “Don’t use words to feel full before your actions make you full.”

Also answered in this teaching

What does it mean that a promise can be a painkiller?

Rabbi Landau explains that the guilt or emptiness you feel is meant to push you to act. A promise relieves that pain right away, and with it the urgency, so the action never happens.

Going deeper: Rabbi Landau's teaching, level by level

Surface claim

Rabbi Landau teaches that the more a person promises, the less he will do, because a promise can stop real change.

Fear, vulnerability, or tension

When a spouse points out that you are not present, you feel empty, and that emptiness is hard to sit with.

Underlying need or longing

Why do we rush to promise?

We promise because we cannot tolerate the emptiness we feel right now, and the promise makes us feel better immediately.

What may be behind it

The promise fills the emptiness so fast that the deed meant to fill it is never done. In A Soul at Peace, Rabbi Landau advises holding on to that feeling of something missing and letting it burn until a small, real deed puts it out.

Deepest human truth

Words should not give a person the satisfaction that only actions can earn. Say little, do much.