Why do I feel lonely, like nobody wants to be my friend?

Rabbi Landau answers with one hard question: “Would you even want to be your own friend? Be honest.” Before complaining that no one wants to be your friend, he says, look at what you bring into the room.

If you are constantly negative, always dumping your problems, “always expecting sympathy without offering any solutions and never bringing fire or energy, why would anyone show up?” People are not running away from you. “They're running away from the taxing energy that you bring in the room.”

If your inner world is full of fear, blame, and self-pity, your outside world will reflect it. Hillel taught, im ein ani li, mi li, “If I'm not for myself, who will be for me?” So, he says, “Stop demanding connection. Become the connection you seek.” And, “You want to have a better friend? Build one inside yourself.”

Going deeper: Rabbi Landau's teaching, level by level

Surface claim

Before blaming others for loneliness, ask whether you would want to be your own friend.

What may be behind it

People are often avoiding the energy someone brings, not the person: constant negativity, complaints, and expecting sympathy without giving anything back.

Deepest human truth

Where does better friendship start?

Inside. Your outer world reflects your inner one, so Rabbi Landau says to become the connection you seek and build a better friend inside yourself.

More questions from this teaching

• How can I become someone people want to be friends with?