Why do I miss a narcissist even after I chose to leave?

Rabbi Landau explains that “when you cut off a narcissist, your body goes into withdrawal. It's like a drug.” That feeling is normal, he says, and “that for itself should not be the reason to let it pull you back in.” It happens in marriage, at work, in “any relationship where a narcissist had access to you.”

Why does the body panic the second you walk away? Because you feel you can't survive without them, as if everything good in your life came from them. “They spent time and time telling you that your value came from them, and even if you consciously never believed it, your nervous system did.” Even after they are gone, “that recording still keeps playing.”

He quotes the prophet Yeshayahu: hinei l'shalom mar li mar, a cry that the relationship was bitter and yet still held on to the soul. His conclusion: “You don't miss them. You miss the version of yourself they programmed to need them.”

As his caption puts it, the discomfort of separation isn't always proof you made the wrong decision. Sometimes it is proof that healing has begun, and recovery means learning that your value was never dependent on another person.

Going deeper: Rabbi Landau's teaching, level by level

Surface claim

The pain after leaving a narcissist is like withdrawal from a drug. It is normal, and it is not a reason to go back.

Fear, vulnerability, or tension

The panic of feeling “you can't survive without them,” as if you were worthless on your own.

What may be behind it

Over time they kept telling you your value came from them. Even if you never believed it consciously, “your nervous system did,” and the recording keeps playing.

Deepest human truth

You don't miss the person. You miss the version of yourself that was programmed to need them. Your value was never theirs to give.

More questions from this teaching

• Why do I feel worthless on my own after a controlling relationship?