Why do other people’s words and attitudes affect me so much?

Rabbi Landau teaches that most of the hurt comes from what we do with people’s words. “They said one sentence and you made it your whole identity.” Someone gives you attitude, someone ignores you, and suddenly you are spiraling: angry, hurt, triggered. “That’s not them, that’s you.” You swallow their words and hand over the remote control to your emotions.

The flip side, he explains, is craving the opposite: needing someone to compliment you, approve you, validate you. “That’s the same addiction just dressed up as happiness. But if they can lift you, they can drop you.”

He cites the Navi: “Cursed is the man who puts his trust in people.” You gave them the key to your self-worth, so when they withhold it, it feels like death. “But it’s not them, it’s the curse of depending on them.” In his words: “Don’t blame people for breaking you. You gave them the hammer.”

Going deeper: Rabbi Landau's teaching, level by level

Surface claim

The pain from a remark or a cold shoulder comes from the power we hand over, not only from the other person.

Fear, vulnerability, or tension

When someone else holds the key to your self-worth, their silence feels like death.

Underlying need or longing

The craving for compliments and approval is the same dependence, only dressed up as happiness.

Deepest human truth

Why does the verse curse the one who trusts, not the one who hurts?

In A Soul at Peace, Rabbi Landau writes that the verse “does not say, ‘Cursed is the one who hits you.’ It says, ‘Cursed is the man who trusts.’” The curse is the natural result of placing the key to your inner world in someone else’s hands.

More questions from this teaching

• Is it healthy to need other people’s approval?