Why do some people not really want to heal from their pain?

Rabbi Landau teaches that many people say they want to move on, but deep down they don't, because “pain makes them a great excuse.” As long as you're hurting, “you don't have to take responsibility, you don't have to risk, you don't have to try again.”

He calls this sitting in “the victim seat,” and he is honest that the seat is comfortable: “No expectations, no pressure.” But the same seat also means “no growth, no freedom, no becoming who you are really meant to be.”

He cites the Rambam: a person is judged by his actions, not by his excuses. “You can't move forward while you're still defending your pain.” Healing begins the moment you step out of the victim seat and choose to live.

Going deeper: Rabbi Landau's teaching, level by level

Surface claim

Most people who say they want to heal stay where they are, because pain has become an excuse.

Fear, vulnerability, or tension

Healing means risk: taking responsibility again and trying again. The victim seat protects a person from all of that.

What may be behind it

In A Soul at Peace, Rabbi Landau writes that over time the pain becomes an address, the place where you live. It is a prison, but a comfortable one, and that comfort is real.

Deepest human truth

A person is judged by his actions. Growth, freedom, and becoming who you are meant to be only start when you stop defending your pain.