A Man’s Strength: Between Power and Presence
“And he shall rule over you.” The Question Beneath the Surface Young married man, ask yourself one honest question. When you are “strong” at home, who is that strength for? This is not a rhetorical question. It is the basic question our Sages find in a simple verse: “Hashem created man in His image.” A man was created to give: to shape things and to build. But how often is our “manly strength” really something else entirely? How often is it a need to control, to receive, to prove ourselves through the other person? The line between strength and domination is thin. Most men do not know where it is. And when that line is not clear, the home suffers. Two Faces of Strength In the language of Jewish mysticism and Hasidic teaching, “strength” is one of Hashem’s divine attributes. It is a power. But that same power can move in two different directions. Holy strength carries kindness inside it. It knows what it is aimed at: to serve, to build, to give. The Zohar, the classic book of Jewish mysticism, explains that strength draws from kindness and is sweetened by it. Only then does it build instead of destroy. The other kind of strength comes from the forces of darkness. It is exactly the same power, but cut off from kindness. Its source is the ego, the sense of “I am something” and “me.” It always asks, “What do I get?” It uses the other person to fill up its own “me.” It does not build. It only takes. The Tanya, the classic book of Hasidic thought, speaks about love that does not depend on anything, compared with love that depends on something. The two kinds of strength are exactly like this. Holy strength does not depend on “what I get back.” It gives for its own sake. The other kind of strength always depends on something. When it gives, it expects something in return. And when that return does not come, the anger comes, and the complaints, and the pressure. The Wrong Kind of Strength: The Power of “Me” What happens when a man brings the power of “me” into his home? He asks, without ever saying it out loud, “Why isn’t she giving me what I want?” This question comes from the ego. It comes from the pride of the animal soul, as the Tanya explains. The animal soul feels that it deserves things. It feels that it is the center, and that the home revolves around it. Strength that comes from this place may look like “leadership,” but it is really domination. It rules; it does not lead. It takes; it does not give. A home built on this foundation is not an “everlasting building.” It is a building of hidden conflict. Holy Strength: The Power of Presence Here comes the real new idea. Holy strength is not measured by how much power a man has. It is measured by presence: the ability to be there, completely, for the other person. Our Sages said: “One who loves his wife as himself, and honors her more than himself.” There are two steps here. Loving her as yourself is equality. But honoring her more than yourself is setting the self aside. It means putting her needs before your own. And Maimonides rules as law that a husband should speak to his wife gently and not in anger. Gentleness is already inner work. It is already strength. Holy strength asks a completely different question: “What does she need from me?” This question asks you to set yourself aside. It asks you to step out of your “me” and enter her world. That is not weakness. It is the greatest strength there is. Our Sages teach: “Who is strong? One who conquers his inclination.” That inclination is the inner voice that pulls us toward wrong. In a man, it is the “me” that shouts for attention. Our Sages teach that when a man and a woman are worthy, Hashem’s Presence rests between them. Hashem’s Presence does not rest where there is domination. It rests where each one sets the self aside for the other, where there is presence, and where there is giving.
Putting It into Practice
The bottom line, young married man: in marriage, a man’s daily work of subduing the dark side is not mainly about the big things. It is about the inner question you ask yourself when you come home. Do you ask, “What do I deserve tonight?” Or do you ask, “What does she need from me tonight?” This does not mean your own needs do not exist. It means that holy strength begins with a change in the direction you are looking. You turn from “What do I get?” to “What do I give?” You turn from complaining to listening. You turn from power to presence. This is inner work. It is daily work, and sometimes it is hard. But it is a man’s work. In Closing An everlasting building is built only on foundations of giving and setting the self aside. Real power is not power that rules. It is power that is present. Real strength is not strength that takes. It is strength that serves. When a man stands in his home with this kind of presence, he is not only building peace in his home. He is making himself like Hashem in His ways. Hashem is entirely giving, and His Presence is always there.
Questions and answers
Q: When a husband acts "strong" at home, whose benefit is that strength really serving?
Rabbi Landau answers: Young married man, ask yourself one honest question. When you are “strong” at home, who is that strength for? This is not a rhetorical question. It is the basic question our Sages find in a simple verse: “Hashem created man in His image.” A man was created to give: to shape things and to build. But how often is our “manly strength” really something else entirely? How often is it a need to control, to receive, to prove ourselves through the other person? The line between strength and domination is thin. Most men do not know where it is. And when that line is not clear, the home suffers.
Q: What are the two faces of strength in Jewish mysticism and Hasidic teaching?
Rabbi Landau answers: In the language of Jewish mysticism and Hasidic teaching, “strength” is one of Hashem’s divine attributes. It is a power. But that same power can move in two different directions. Holy strength carries kindness inside it. It knows what it is aimed at: to serve, to build, to give. The Zohar, the classic book of Jewish mysticism, explains that strength draws from kindness and is sweetened by it. Only then does it build instead of destroy. The other kind of strength comes from the forces of darkness. It is exactly the same power, but cut off from kindness.
Q: What happens when a man brings the ego's "what do I deserve" attitude into his home?
Rabbi Landau answers: What happens when a man brings the power of “me” into his home? He asks, without ever saying it out loud, “Why isn’t she giving me what I want?” This question comes from the ego. It comes from the pride of the animal soul, as the Tanya explains. The animal soul feels that it deserves things. It feels that it is the center, and that the home revolves around it. Strength that comes from this place may look like “leadership,” but it is really domination. It rules; it does not lead. It takes; it does not give. A home built on this foundation is not an “everlasting building.” It is a building of hidden conflict.
Q: How does Rabbi Landau say holy strength is measured in a marriage?
Rabbi Landau answers: Here comes the real new idea. Holy strength is not measured by how much power a man has. It is measured by presence: the ability to be there, completely, for the other person. Our Sages said: “One who loves his wife as himself, and honors her more than himself.” There are two steps here. Loving her as yourself is equality. But honoring her more than yourself is setting the self aside. It means putting her needs before your own. And Maimonides rules as law that a husband should speak to his wife gently and not in anger. Gentleness is already inner work. It is already strength.
Q: What question should a married man ask himself when he comes home each night?
Rabbi Landau answers: The bottom line, young married man: in marriage, a man’s daily work of subduing the dark side is not mainly about the big things. It is about the inner question you ask yourself when you come home. Do you ask, “What do I deserve tonight?” Or do you ask, “What does she need from me tonight?” This does not mean your own needs do not exist. It means that holy strength begins with a change in the direction you are looking. You turn from “What do I get?” to “What do I give?” You turn from complaining to listening. You turn from power to presence. This is inner work. It is daily work, and sometimes it is hard. But it is a man’s work.