Becoming One, Not Matching
“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and cling to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” To Begin When people are looking for a match, the question heard most often is simple and painful at the same time: “How will I know if we’re right for each other?” A young man once sat in front of me with a notebook open. It held page after page of comparison charts. Here he had written: “She loves order. I’m a mess when it comes to that.” There: “She’s a numbers person. I’m more of a words person.” He had studied every detail, every difference, every place where they might clash. “Rabbi,” he finally said, “I’m not sure we’re a match.” I told him: “Exactly. And that’s probably why you really are meant for each other.” The Basic Mistake: Matching Instead of Becoming One When the Torah describes what marriage really is, it does not say that a man will find a woman who is like him. It says: “And they shall become one flesh.” Not similar flesh. One flesh. The gap between those two ideas is huge. “Matching” assumes two separate beings who are checked against each other and found similar enough. “One flesh” assumes that at the very beginning they were a single being. That being was divided, and now it seeks to return to its wholeness. No one ever asks, “Does my right hand match my left hand?” Both hands are him. A question like that would sound silly. In the same way, a husband and wife are not meant to “match” each other. They are meant to become one. The Parable of the Hands Here is a parable that speaks simply to the heart. Stop for a moment and look at your two hands. They are not the same. Your right hand writes. Your left hand holds the page. One gives, and one receives. They are completely different. And yet you have never seen anyone get upset because one of his hands doesn’t “match” the other. Matching is simply not the question. Both hands are him. The difference between them does not cause friction. It is exactly what lets them work together perfectly. If both hands were the same, if both could only write or both could only hold, a person’s hands would not be able to do anything real. This is exactly how it works between a husband and wife. They are not two separate people who meet and search for things they have in common. One is a giver and one is a receiver. They are two powers of the same soul, and only when they become one do they reach wholeness. The Lesson: Husband and Wife The Talmud says: “Forty days before a child is formed, a voice from Heaven goes out and announces: The daughter of so-and-so will marry so-and-so.” This is not a deal at the market. Nobody is checking “character traits” and “hobbies.” It is a decision made long ago. These are two people who were part of the same root from the very start. The mission of Hashem’s providence from above is to lead them toward each other. So the real question is not “Do we match?” That question pictures two strangers being tested. The real question is “Are we becoming one?” That question asks for an inner recognition. It asks for the feeling that the other person is not “someone else,” but a part of me that has been given back to me. When a person finds his true match, something strange happens. He stops analyzing. The differences don’t disappear, but they lose their sting. After all, you don’t analyze yourself.
Putting It into Practice
Maybe you are looking for a match right now. Maybe you have spent years building a life together. Either way, change one question. Don’t ask, “How are we different, and how will we get past it?” Ask instead, “How do our differences complete each other instead of pulling us apart?” The two different hands are themselves what makes a person whole. Your differences are not the problem you need to solve. They are the solution itself.
Questions and answers
Q: What does the verse "Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and cling to his wife, and they shall become one flesh" teach about marriage?
Rabbi Landau answers: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and cling to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”
Q: How do I know if we're right for each other when looking for a match?
Rabbi Landau answers: When people are looking for a match, the question heard most often is simple and painful at the same time: “How will I know if we’re right for each other?” A young man once sat in front of me with a notebook open. It held page after page of comparison charts. Here he had written: “She loves order. I’m a mess when it comes to that.” There: “She’s a numbers person. I’m more of a words person.” He had studied every detail, every difference, every place where they might clash. “Rabbi,” he finally said, “I’m not sure we’re a match.” I told him: “Exactly. And that’s probably why you really are meant for each other.”
Q: What does the parable of the two hands teach about husband and wife?
Rabbi Landau answers: Here is a parable that speaks simply to the heart. Stop for a moment and look at your two hands. They are not the same. Your right hand writes. Your left hand holds the page. One gives, and one receives. They are completely different. And yet you have never seen anyone get upset because one of his hands doesn’t “match” the other. Matching is simply not the question. Both hands are him. The difference between them does not cause friction. It is exactly what lets them work together perfectly. If both hands were the same, if both could only write or both could only hold, a person’s hands would not be able to do anything real.
Q: What does the Talmud's teaching that a heavenly voice announces a match forty days before a child is formed teach about marriage?
Rabbi Landau answers: The Talmud says: “Forty days before a child is formed, a voice from Heaven goes out and announces: The daughter of so-and-so will marry so-and-so.” This is not a deal at the market. Nobody is checking “character traits” and “hobbies.” It is a decision made long ago. These are two people who were part of the same root from the very start. The mission of Hashem’s providence from above is to lead them toward each other. So the real question is not “Do we match?” That question pictures two strangers being tested. The real question is “Are we becoming one?” That question asks for an inner recognition.
Q: What question should a couple ask about their differences instead of "how will we get past them"?
Rabbi Landau answers: Maybe you are looking for a match right now. Maybe you have spent years building a life together. Either way, change one question. Don’t ask, “How are we different, and how will we get past it?” Ask instead, “How do our differences complete each other instead of pulling us apart?” The two different hands are themselves what makes a person whole. Your differences are not the problem you need to solve. They are the solution itself.