Do Not Judge Your Friend Until You Reach His Place
A Question to Begin We learn in the Mishnah, in Ethics of the Fathers: “Do not judge your friend until you reach his place.” The simple meaning is clear: do not judge a person before you have stood in his situation. But we need to look more closely. What exactly is your friend’s “place”? And what does it mean to “reach” it? Can one person ever truly reach the place inside another person’s soul? This very question holds a basic truth that touches every one of us. It is true in business and in family life. It is true whether you are a full-time Torah student or a working man. It is true anywhere one person stands facing another and thinks, even in a whisper: “I don’t see what’s so hard. It’s so simple.” Where We Go Wrong: The Strength We Cannot See Know this, dear young married man: people usually do not judge each other out of a bad heart. Most judging does not come from arrogance. It comes from a strength. How does that happen? Sometimes a power of the soul is so much a part of a person that it is simply his nature. It might be self-discipline, or patience, or trust in Hashem. Then that power no longer feels like a power at all. It becomes the air he breathes, his default setting. He does not feel that he is working hard or trying in this area. He just does it, completely naturally. So when he sees his friend struggling in that same area, a thought pops into his heart that is almost impossible to stop: “What’s the problem? It’s not that hard.” This is the root of the harm. It is not bad intentions. It is that we are blind to our own strengths. We do not see how strong we are, so we cannot imagine that our friend is missing that very thing. “His Place”: A Whole World of Its Own Now we can understand how deep the words of the Mishnah are. A person’s “place” is not only his outer address: whether he is poor or rich, sick or healthy. His “place” is everything he is on the inside. It is the particular mix of his soul’s powers, the leanings he was born with, and the special tests that Hashem, who guides every detail, chose just for him. Each tribe of Israel had its own banner and its own journey through the desert, and each one served Hashem from its own “place.” In the same way, every single soul is built in its own unique way. What comes naturally to one person may be the battlefield of his friend’s whole life. What looks like laziness or weakness to the one judging may be, in Heaven’s eyes, the very peak of serving Hashem. This is the inner meaning of “until you reach his place.” In other words, you will never reach it. Your friend’s place is a world hidden from you. So the real message is: never judge.
Putting It into Practice
Stop first. This understanding calls for one practical step. It is simple, but it is not easy. Before you tell a friend, “Just push through it,” before you think, “Why is this so hard for him?”, and even before you give advice with a kind heart, ask yourself one question: “Is this easy for me because it really is easy in itself? Or is it a special strength that Hashem gave me as a gift?” If we get used to stopping and asking, we will often discover that what we thought was “normal” is really a gift. And what we thought our friend was “missing” is really his battlefield. It is the place where he works and builds and struggles. In fact, it is exactly there that he meets Hashem. The Root of Love for Every Jew When you understand that your friend’s struggle is his “place,” his own mission and his own inner work, judging turns into compassion and love. This is not because we “let him off.” It is because we see the truth: he is not lower than you. He is simply working a different field, and it is no less holy. This is the root of giving every person the benefit of the doubt. It does not mean closing our eyes. It means seeing more deeply. Now we can understand why the Mishnah says “do not judge” and not “do not condemn.” The problem is not in the mouth. It is in the eyes.
Questions and answers
Q: What exactly is a friend's "place" in "Do not judge your friend until you reach his place"?
Rabbi Landau answers: We learn in the Mishnah, in Ethics of the Fathers: “Do not judge your friend until you reach his place.” The simple meaning is clear: do not judge a person before you have stood in his situation. But we need to look more closely. What exactly is your friend’s “place”? And what does it mean to “reach” it? Can one person ever truly reach the place inside another person’s soul? This very question holds a basic truth that touches every one of us. It is true in business and in family life. It is true whether you are a full-time Torah student or a working man. It is true anywhere one person stands facing another and thinks, even in a whisper: “I don’t see what’s so hard.
Q: Why do people often judge others because of a strength they don't even notice in themselves?
Rabbi Landau answers: Know this, dear young married man: people usually do not judge each other out of a bad heart. Most judging does not come from arrogance. It comes from a strength. How does that happen? Sometimes a power of the soul is so much a part of a person that it is simply his nature. It might be self-discipline, or patience, or trust in Hashem. Then that power no longer feels like a power at all. It becomes the air he breathes, his default setting. He does not feel that he is working hard or trying in this area. He just does it, completely naturally.
Q: What does a person's "place" include beyond his outer situation?
Rabbi Landau answers: Now we can understand how deep the words of the Mishnah are. A person’s “place” is not only his outer address: whether he is poor or rich, sick or healthy. His “place” is everything he is on the inside. It is the particular mix of his soul’s powers, the leanings he was born with, and the special tests that Hashem, who guides every detail, chose just for him. Each tribe of Israel had its own banner and its own journey through the desert, and each one served Hashem from its own “place.” In the same way, every single soul is built in its own unique way. What comes naturally to one person may be the battlefield of his friend’s whole life.
Q: What is the simple meaning of the Mishnah "Do not judge your friend until you reach his place"?
Rabbi Landau answers: We learn in the Mishnah, in Ethics of the Fathers: “Do not judge your friend until you reach his place.” The simple meaning is clear: do not judge a person before you have stood in his situation.
Q: What should I ask myself before telling a friend to "just push through it"?
Rabbi Landau answers: Stop first. This understanding calls for one practical step. It is simple, but it is not easy. Before you tell a friend, “Just push through it,” before you think, “Why is this so hard for him?”, and even before you give advice with a kind heart, ask yourself one question: “Is this easy for me because it really is easy in itself? Or is it a special strength that Hashem gave me as a gift?” If we get used to stopping and asking, we will often discover that what we thought was “normal” is really a gift. And what we thought our friend was “missing” is really his battlefield. It is the place where he works and builds and struggles.