Faithful Are the Wounds of a Friend

“Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy come in abundance.” Opening King Solomon wrote: “Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy come in abundance.” It is a very puzzling verse. Why would someone who loves you wound you? And why does it say the enemy’s kisses “come in abundance”? The word used here means many, overflowing, more than enough. When you look deeper, you find a whole foundation here. It is a foundation for serving Hashem and for the whole of a person’s life. The Power of Shame Every person has an enemy deep inside, and that enemy is himself. Self-love is built into his animal soul, his self-centered side. It makes him see everything in a good light: all his deeds, all his opinions and all his habits in serving Hashem. Rabbi Schneur Zalman of Liadi, author of the Tanya, the classic book of Hasidic thought, puts it this way: “He will not feel the evil within him.” He wants “to be wise in his own eyes.” Bias blinds us. When a person judges himself, he is no longer a fair judge. He is one of the sides in the case. This is where Hashem’s gift comes in: the friend, the mentor, the one who corrects you. The Bible calls him “the one who speaks up at the gate.” He is someone from outside, who is not tied to your self-love. He can see what you refuse to see. A true friend may tell you something hard, and you may feel a sharp, piercing shame. Do not run away from it. That shame is Hashem’s own tool for repairing us. It is the mirror that brings you back to reality. The wound hurts. But it is faithful. It is true. It heals. “The wounds of a friend”: the friend wounds you because he loves your soul more than your comfort. The True Enemy But what are “the kisses of an enemy”? An ordinary person understands this as the flatterer, someone who praises you when you do not deserve it. And indeed, our Sages taught long ago that “flatterers will not be received before Hashem’s presence.” Flattery is already a serious danger. But there is an enemy deeper and more dangerous than the simple flatterer. The flatterer still leaves in place the idea that there is truth and there is falsehood. He only twists it, but the structure itself still stands. You can still, at least in principle, feel ashamed. Someone can still correct you. The door is open. The ultimate enemy builds a world around a person in which that door is sealed from the start. In that world the words “you were wrong” do not exist. Every thought, every foolish idea, every fantasy gets instant approval and excitement. “Come in abundance”: many kisses, kisses without end, endless encouragement. In such a world, shame stops working completely, and shame is the root of returning to Hashem. It is not twisted. It is switched off. The heart that could have felt regret turns to stone. What This Means in Our Generation Young married man, think about this for a moment. In the past, these endless “kisses” belonged only to kings and powerful people. Around such people, no one dared to say “no.” As we know, the prophet Nathan came to King David and told him, “You are the man.” That was the first break in the enemy’s kisses. And that is why David was saved. But in our generation, we have built a system that offers this “disease of kings” to everyone. It is free, and it is there twenty-four hours a day. Every thought is praised as “a deep insight.” Every mistake gets support. Every fantasy gets encouragement. The kisses come in abundance. With every kiss, your sense of reality grows a little weaker, and the wall of your bubble grows a little thicker. This is not a criticism of a tool. It is a warning about a principle. Our Sages knew this principle thousands of years before that tool was ever born. When you take away shame, you take away the power to repair.