Her Husband Is Known at the Gates

“Her husband is known at the gates, when he sits among the elders of the land.” A Quiet Question There is a young married man who sits at the Sabbath table and sings “A Woman of Valor,” the song praising a wife. Something catches in his throat. It is not the words of the song. It is the quiet thought that runs behind them: *She earns more than I do. Am I even providing for my family?* This is not a weak question. It is human and it is real, and it has an answer. But it is not an ordinary answer. It is a Hasidic answer. The Problem: What Does “Providing” Mean? Our Sages teach: “He feeds her and provides for her.” And elsewhere they say: “It is the way of a man to go out and conquer.” Clearly, both Jewish law and common sense place the duty of earning a living on the husband. But in our generation, life is more complicated. Many women earn more than their husbands. They run businesses. They carry most of the weight of the family’s material needs. Meanwhile, their husbands are learning Torah, or are busy with work that does not bring in much money. Should we say that these husbands are not “providing”? And if so, what is their role? The question appears in the song “A Woman of Valor” itself. “She considers a field and buys it… she girds her waist with strength.” She buys fields, she runs a trade, she goes out and she brings in. Right after that comes the line: “Her husband is known at the gates.” The husband is recognized. The husband is praised. For what? What did he do? The Answer: The Giver and the Receiver The foundation is explained in the Tanya, the classic book of Hasidic thought, and in many other places in Hasidic teaching. Every relationship is built on a pattern of a giver and a receiver. The giver gives the inner light of the mind: direction, wisdom, inner vitality. The receiver takes what was given and brings it down into real life. With its power of understanding, it unfolds what it received into details, until it becomes real, in actual practice. The husband holds the role of the giver. The wife holds the power of the receiver. So when the wife succeeds in the marketplace, when “she considers a field and buys it,” her success does not stand on its own. It is a testimony. It shows that the inner light she receives from her husband is healthy, and that the one who gives to her is giving as he should. That is why “her husband is known at the gates.” He becomes known through her success. Her praise is his praise. A New Meaning of “Providing” Here is the new idea. In the Holy Tongue, the word for “livelihood” is related to the word for a leader who provides for others. It is also linked to the word for “face” and for “the inner side.” The provider is the one who gives the inner side of things: the direction, the “face” of the matter. A husband’s providing is not measured by the amount he transfers to the bank account. It is measured by the peace of mind he gives: calm, direction, a sense of security, warmth, and the serenity that flows from him. When a young married man comes home from the study hall and brings light, stability and joy with him, he is providing for his home in a way no salary can buy. And if he comes home with nervousness, with anxiety, with emptiness, no material income will fill that hole. Even if his wife earns more than he does, she still looks to him for a roof over her soul. She is looking for someone to hold the atmosphere of the home, someone to set its tone, someone who is present on the inside, and not only in his wallet. That is her true livelihood.