Her Husband Trusts in Her

“Her husband’s heart trusts in her, and he will lack nothing.” A Question to Begin King Solomon wrote: “A woman of strength, who can find her? Her worth is far beyond pearls. Her husband’s heart trusts in her.” These two verses stand side by side, and we need to understand how they connect. What does “finding” her have to do with “trusting” her? Suppose “finding” her means coming to see her worth through what she does. The same chapter praises “the fruit of her hands,” how “she brings her bread from far away,” and how “she rises while it is still night.” If so, then her husband’s trust should rest on her deeds, on what she produces, on her service. So why does the verse say “trusts in her”? In her, in her very self. Why not “trusts in her deeds”? This one small word is the key that opens this whole essay. Two Kinds of Connection Two people can be connected in two ways. The first is a connection of usefulness. One gives, and the other receives. The bond stays alive only as long as the giving goes on. Once the giving stops, the bond starts to shake. This kind of connection touches only the outer layers. It is like being attached to someone’s clothing. I am attached to what you do, not to who you are. The second is a connection to the very self. It is rooted not in actions but in the person’s simple presence. Here the bond holds even when nothing is being given, because it was planted deep inside and not on the outside. Between a husband and a wife, the Torah says this outright. It calls the woman “a helper opposite him.” She is not only a “helper.” “Opposite him” means facing him, truly “face to face.” When you look someone in the face, you see who they are. When you look at them from the side, you see only what they do. When Compliments Miss the Heart Picture a young married man who thinks to himself, “But I do show my wife I appreciate her! I tell her, ‘Thanks for doing the laundry.’ ‘You made the house look great.’ ‘Dinner was delicious.’” Still, he senses that his words never reach her heart, and he cannot understand why. Here is the reason. Without meaning to, these kind words cast her as a worker and not as a partner. He is talking about what she did, not about who she is. He values the outer layer and misses the inner self. Our Sages said: “Whoever marries a woman for her own sake merits many good things.” They also said: “He should love her as his own body, and honor her even more than his own body.” “As his own body” points to the very self, not to the covering on the outside. A New Language of Connection So what is the right language? The shift is from “what you did” to “who you are.” Instead of “Dinner was delicious,” try “I feel the warmth you bring into our home.” Instead of “You made the house look great,” try “Your being here lights up this place.” Speak not about what she produces but about her presence. Speak not about her service but about her light. This is the deeper meaning of “her husband’s heart trusts in her.” In her, in her very self. His heart does not rely on what she will provide. It relies on who she is. His trust is planted deep inside her being, not on the outside. That is why the “finding” at the start of the passage, “A woman of strength, who can find her?”, is a finding on the inside. It does not mean he found a good worker. It means he truly found another soul, one whose presence is full of life. A Small Holy Temple Rabbi Schneur Zalman of Liadi, author of the Tanya, the classic book of Hasidic thought, teaches that we must love every Jew. All Jews are truly brothers, because their souls share one root in the One Hashem. Only their bodies are separate. In other words, real love is directed to the inner soul, not to the body and what it does. If that is true for every Jew, how much more is it true between a husband and wife, the closest bond of all. What is this like? Hashem said: “Make Me a holy place, and I will dwell among them.” “Among them” also means “within them,” inside each and every one of them. It is not only about the outward act of bringing offerings. Hashem wants us, not only our work. We are His children, not only His workers. In the same way, a Jewish home is called “a small holy temple.” When a husband “finds” his wife, when he truly finds her, sees her, and speaks to her, he discovers the light of Hashem that rests inside his home. He finds it not by praising what she does, but by knowing who she is.