Like an Apple Tree in the Forest

“Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest, so is my beloved among the young men…” An Apple Tree Among the Trees King Solomon opens the second chapter of the Song of Songs with these words: “Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest, so is my beloved among the young men.” The words here are chosen with great care. She does not say, “My beloved is more handsome than all the young men.” She does not say, “My beloved is stronger than all the young men.” She says he is like an apple tree among the trees of the forest. Among many trees stands one that is not like the others. Its color is different, its scent is different, its taste is different. There is no question of “which one is better.” That question does not even belong here. The Question So let us ask a question that is both simple and deep: How do you become that “apple tree”? Dear young married man, ask yourself, “What must I do so that my marriage will be strong and lasting?” You will easily come up with a long list. A husband’s duties. The commandment of closeness between husband and wife. Respect and honor. Buying gifts on Friday, before the Sabbath. All of it is true. All of it is important. But notice this. You can do every one of these things and still remain just “a tree among the trees.” Good. Perhaps very good. But not an apple tree. Outward things, even beautiful and polished outward things, are built on comparison. And whenever something rests on comparison, there is always room for the question: “Maybe there is something better?” Hashem’s Presence Between Them Our Sages teach: “If a husband and wife are worthy, Hashem’s presence dwells between them.” These words are well known. But let us stop for a moment on the phrase “between them.” It does not speak of Hashem’s presence in general, or of some general revealing of Hashem. It speaks of a specific and personal revealing of Hashem that rests between these two people in particular. In the words of the Tanya, the classic book of Hasidic thought, every Jewish soul is “truly a piece of Hashem above.” No two souls are the same. So the revealing of Hashem that can rest between this particular husband and wife cannot rest between any other couple in the world. It is a revealing of Hashem’s very essence. It is not a general glow of light. It is the source of the light itself. Here lies the difference between an outward bond and a bond of the essence. An outward bond depends on something: on circumstances, on what each side gains, on outside forces. From our Sages we know: “Any love that depends on something, when that thing is gone, the love is gone.” But a bond that comes from the root, one that touches the very essence of the soul, does not depend on anything. That is why it cannot be undone. Going Deeper A husband is the giver in the home, and his inner work is certainly more than a series of correct actions. His work is to be a clean vessel for that personal revealing of Hashem. He must bring out from himself, from the very essence of his soul, the light that only he can shine. This is not “light” in the sense of a general glow. It is the source itself, and the source cannot be copied. Our Sages teach that forty days before a child is formed, it is announced in Heaven: “The daughter of so-and-so is for so-and-so.” This is no accident. It reveals a root. In the same way, in the living bond after the wedding, there is a unique revealing of Hashem waiting to come out through this particular husband. It will not come through “a good husband” in general. It will come through him, and him alone, in a completely personal way. And then his wife comes to feel something. She feels it not because of pressure and not because she is forced, but because it is a clear inner reality: what is in her home exists nowhere else. It is not that it is “better.” It is different in its very nature. When she feels this, she comes to know that the thought of a replacement makes no sense at all. No one looks for a replacement for something that has no replacement. This is peace in the home at its highest level. It is not a quiet built on outside forces. It is a oneness that rests on the revealing of the essence.