Married to a Dream, or to a Real Person?

Opening There is a question every Hasidic family man knows, even if he never asks it out loud. Why is the love of the wedding days not what it used to be? What happened to all that excitement? What happened to that bond that seemed so simple and so true? We will not try to slip away from this question. Let us ask it straight: if the bond was real back then, why does it fade over time? The answer is sharp, and it is worth hearing. Most of the time, you did not marry the person standing in front of you. You married your picture of that person. You married the “outer form” you built in your mind, a picture that was ideal, partial and beautiful. And it was on that outer form that you placed the ring. Outer Form and Inner Essence In the language of Hasidic teaching, we must tell apart two things: the “outer form” and the “inner essence.” The outer form is the clothing, the look, the leanings a person shows when you first meet. These are the things that catch the eye and the heart and leave an impression. The inner essence is the soul, “a piece of Hashem above, truly.” It is the inner core of a person. It does not show itself easily, and you cannot see it right away. Before the wedding, a person meets the one he will marry, and he sees. Sometimes he sees something very beautiful. But mostly he sees the outer form. He sees a smile, a conversation, a presence, a happy face. From that outer form he builds a complete picture in his heart, almost too complete. The love born from this is real as a feeling. But at its base it is a “love that depends on something.” And a love that depends on something will start to shake when that thing starts to change, when daily life shows sides of the person that were never part of the picture. This is not a failure. This is simply the nature of an outer form. The Turning Point: When the Dream Breaks Then comes the moment when the outer form starts to fade. It is the moment of disappointment, of “he has changed” or “she has changed,” of “this is not what I thought.” Most couples see that moment as a fall, a crisis, the end of something. But deep down, it is a moment of opportunity. Now that the outer form has been taken away, the real getting-to-know-each-other can begin. Now the one standing before you is not the picture you made. It is the person himself or herself, just as he or she is. A living soul, with an inner world, with a true self, with the inner essence you have never yet touched. And here, right here, the real work of marriage begins. A Hasidic Insight: A Bond of Essence The Torah says: “And they shall become one flesh.” It does not say they shall seem to be one. It says they shall become one. This is a bond of being, a bond of inner essence, not a bond of appearances. In the letters section of the Tanya, the classic book of Hasidic thought, Rabbi Schneur Zalman of Liadi, its author, explains that true love for every Jew asks something of us. We must see in every Jew the soul, the piece of Hashem above, beyond everything that shows on the outside. As our Sages put it: “Do not look at the jug, but at what is inside it.” Look at the soul within. If this is what we must do for every Jew, what about the person we married? The home is the place where we are called to discover the divine inner point of the one closest to us, not only of people far away. And perhaps there, exactly there, is the greatest challenge. That is why it is also where the greatest depth is found. Closing: Getting Married Again Every Day The Torah says: “that I command you today.” And our Sages explain: every day, they should be new in your eyes. This does not mean bringing back an old thrill. It means discovering something truly new. It is the same with your husband or wife. Do not try to bring back the first picture you fell in love with. That picture has already done its job: it brought you this far. Now open your eyes. Look at the person standing in front of you, and “get married” all over again. Marry the reality, not the dream. Marry the inner essence, not the outer form. The wedding canopy is the beginning. The marriage is the journey.