Running from Honor
A Simple Story Young married man, please listen to a simple story. A man once came and said, “My wife doesn’t respect me. I asked her, ‘Do you respect me?’ And she didn’t answer.” Why didn’t she answer? What happened in that moment, when the question was asked? The real question here is not about the wife. It is about the man himself. Why is it that demanding respect is the very thing that makes sure he will not get it? A Law of the Human Heart Our Sages teach: “Whoever runs away from honor, honor chases after him.” The opposite is also true: whoever chases after honor, honor runs away from him. This is not just a spiritual charm or a piece of good advice. It is a law. It is built into the human heart, just as the laws of physics are built into the material world. A person who does not know this law can spend many long years chasing. He never understands why he is always running, or what he keeps losing. The Chase Is a Symptom Where does the chase after honor come from? Hasidic teaching explains that it comes from a small, narrow state of mind. In that state a person is not living from his own inner center. Instead, he looks for himself outside himself. He needs approval, more approval, and then more approval again, because inside there is an empty space. When a man asks his wife, “Do you respect me?”, he is not only asking a question. He is announcing, “I need you to tell me what I’m worth.” He has turned her into his judge, his measuring stick, his mirror. That is exactly the problem. The moment you do this, you give her power over you that you never meant to give. And that power is the very thing that lets the air out of the respect you were looking for. There is no wickedness here on the wife’s part. There is a law of the inner self: ego provokes ego in return. Neediness creates distance. True respect is given to the person who does not need it. Setting the Self Aside: The Road to Honor Here is the new idea. The road to honor does not run through demanding it. It runs through building yourself on the inside. Some people live from a wide, expanded state of mind. They have an inner sense of their own worth, of belonging, of being connected to the root of their soul. Such a person does not need approval from outside. And here is the amazing thing: it is exactly this not needing that creates respect in the heart of the other person. This is what “running away from honor” means. It does not mean running from honor out of fake humility. It means running from the need for honor, from depending on it. Think of a person who has built himself from the inside. He has set his ego aside before Hashem and before what is true. Honor chases after him, because people sense that they are standing before something real.
Putting It into Practice
Young married man, if you feel that your wife does not respect you enough, do not ask her about it. That question will always make things worse. Instead, ask yourself a different question: “What am I building in my inner life?” Am I studying Torah? Am I doing any inner work at all, whether on my character traits, in my prayer, or anywhere else? Am I growing? Or am I standing still and waiting for someone to confirm how great I am? Respect cannot be demanded. It is created out of substance, out of truth, out of setting the self aside. Make yourself worthy of respect, and you will discover that you do not need to ask for it. In Closing True peace in the home is not built on a balance of expectations and demands. It is built when husband and wife each live from within themselves: from their own soul, from Hashem who is within them. Out of that, mutual appreciation flows on its own, without anyone needing to demand it. May we all be blessed to live from the inside, and to build homes of peace and truth.
Questions and answers
Q: Why didn’t a wife answer when her husband asked her whether she respects him?
Rabbi Landau answers: Young married man, please listen to a simple story. A man once came and said, “My wife doesn’t respect me. I asked her, ‘Do you respect me?’ And she didn’t answer.” Why didn’t she answer? What happened in that moment, when the question was asked? The real question here is not about the wife. It is about the man himself. Why is it that demanding respect is the very thing that makes sure he will not get it?
Q: What does the teaching “Whoever runs away from honor, honor chases after him” mean?
Rabbi Landau answers: Our Sages teach: “Whoever runs away from honor, honor chases after him.” The opposite is also true: whoever chases after honor, honor runs away from him. This is not just a spiritual charm or a piece of good advice. It is a law. It is built into the human heart, just as the laws of physics are built into the material world. A person who does not know this law can spend many long years chasing. He never understands why he is always running, or what he keeps losing.
Q: Where does the chase after honor come from, according to Hasidic teaching?
Rabbi Landau answers: Where does the chase after honor come from? Hasidic teaching explains that it comes from a small, narrow state of mind. In that state a person is not living from his own inner center. Instead, he looks for himself outside himself. He needs approval, more approval, and then more approval again, because inside there is an empty space. When a man asks his wife, “Do you respect me?”, he is not only asking a question. He is announcing, “I need you to tell me what I’m worth.” He has turned her into his judge, his measuring stick, his mirror. That is exactly the problem. The moment you do this, you give her power over you that you never meant to give.
Q: If not by demanding it, how does a person come to be respected?
Rabbi Landau answers: The road to honor does not run through demanding it. It runs through building yourself on the inside. Some people live from a wide, expanded state of mind. They have an inner sense of their own worth, of belonging, of being connected to the root of their soul. Such a person does not need approval from outside. And here is the amazing thing: it is exactly this not needing that creates respect in the heart of the other person. This is what “running away from honor” means. It does not mean running from honor out of fake humility. It means running from the need for honor, from depending on it. Think of a person who has built himself from the inside.
Q: What should a young husband do if he feels his wife doesn’t respect him enough?
Rabbi Landau answers: Young married man, if you feel that your wife does not respect you enough, do not ask her about it. That question will always make things worse. Instead, ask yourself a different question: “What am I building in my inner life?” Am I studying Torah? Am I doing any inner work at all, whether on my character traits, in my prayer, or anywhere else? Am I growing? Or am I standing still and waiting for someone to confirm how great I am? Respect cannot be demanded. It is created out of substance, out of truth, out of setting the self aside. Make yourself worthy of respect, and you will discover that you do not need to ask for it.