Serving Without Waiting for a Reward
Opening There is a kind of person who spends his whole life giving. He gives to his family, to his community, to his friends. He says “yes” when his heart says “no.” He gives up his time, his rest, and himself. And all of it comes with a hope that from somewhere the kind word will come. The recognition. The small “thank you” that tells him: We saw you. It was worth it. And the thank-you does not come. Or it comes once, weak and faint. Then, in one moment of a small failure, everything is forgotten, and suddenly he is the bad guy. A person like this feels empty and bitter. “Why do I do everything, and no one appreciates it?” But the deep question is not about the other person. The question is about us: What exactly are we looking for? The Root Teaching Antigonus of Socho, one of the early Sages, said: “Do not be like servants who serve their master in order to receive a reward. Instead, be like servants who serve their master not in order to receive a reward.” Let us look closely. What is the “reward” that Antigonus is talking about? The simple way to read it is that he means a reward in the World to Come. But look at the word he chose: “servants.” These are people who work with their hands, people who do a job. That word hints that the “reward” is any kind of payment from the outside. Money. Social status. People’s gratitude. “Thank you so much.” “You did a great kindness.” A look of appreciation. All of these are a “reward.” Any work that aims to get them is work done “in order to receive a reward.” In other words, someone who does good for another person in order to hear “thank you” is working “in order to receive a reward.” This is true even if the reward is nothing more than a smile and a grateful look. What our generation calls “people pleasing” is simply a modern and exact form of the very thing Antigonus warns us about. The Hasidic Explanation Rabbi Schneur Zalman of Liadi, author of the Tanya, the classic book of Hasidic thought, explains that there are two ways to serve Hashem. One way comes from love of oneself. A person serves Hashem to get something for himself, whether a reward, a sense of fulfillment, or recognition. The other way is love of Hashem Himself. Here a person aims to do what Hashem wants because it is what Hashem wants. No more and no less. Here is the main point. A good deed does not get its value from how the other person reacts. If you did a kindness, you did a kindness, whether or not anyone said thank you. Your bond with what Hashem wants is created by the deed itself, not by the reaction that follows. That is why a person who chases the “thank you” is never truly satisfied by what he does. His deed was not built on the ground of “this is the right thing.” It was built on the ground of “what will people say.” This is the root of the frustration. When the reason you give is other people’s gratitude, you have placed yourself and your happiness in someone else’s hand. And that hand will never hold on tightly enough. One More Point: Hashem Guides Every Detail There is another point here that goes even deeper. The Baal Shem Tov, founder of the Hasidic movement, taught that every meeting between two people, and every chance to do a kindness, is not an accident. It is an exact mission from Heaven. Hashem brought this person before you, at this moment, for this need. So when our question is “Will he thank me?”, we are asking the wrong question. The right question is: Hashem sent me here. Did I carry out my mission? Everything is found in carrying out the mission itself. The person who receives is only the vessel. The One who sent you is Hashem Himself. When a person lives this way, the question of gratitude becomes truly small. He did his part. He was Hashem’s emissary.
Putting It into Practice
There is one difference, small but vital, between two people who do exactly the same act. The first one gives, and waits. He gives, and searches the other person’s eyes to see if he is grateful. He gives, and feels empty when he does not see it. The second one gives because it is the right thing. Because this is what Hashem commanded. Because the chance fell into his hands, and it would be a shame to miss a mission. Young married man, working man: you do not need to stop giving. Just the opposite. But ask yourself first: Why am I doing this? If the answer is “because it is right,” go and do it, and be whole. If the answer is “because I need people to see me,” pay attention, because you are building your house on sand. The thank-you will not come. And even if it does come, it will not satisfy you. Do good. Do it because it is good. And the “thank you” that will always come is the one that needs no words.
Questions and answers
Q: What happens to a person who gives his whole life while waiting for recognition and thanks?
Rabbi Landau answers: There is a kind of person who spends his whole life giving. He gives to his family, to his community, to his friends. He says “yes” when his heart says “no.” He gives up his time, his rest, and himself. And all of it comes with a hope that from somewhere the kind word will come. The recognition. The small “thank you” that tells him: We saw you. It was worth it. And the thank-you does not come. Or it comes once, weak and faint. Then, in one moment of a small failure, everything is forgotten, and suddenly he is the bad guy. A person like this feels empty and bitter. “Why do I do everything, and no one appreciates it?” But the deep question is not about the other person.
Q: What reward does Antigonus of Socho mean when he says not to serve the master in order to receive a reward?
Rabbi Landau answers: Antigonus of Socho, one of the early Sages, said: “Do not be like servants who serve their master in order to receive a reward. Instead, be like servants who serve their master not in order to receive a reward.” Let us look closely. What is the “reward” that Antigonus is talking about? The simple way to read it is that he means a reward in the World to Come. But look at the word he chose: “servants.” These are people who work with their hands, people who do a job. That word hints that the “reward” is any kind of payment from the outside. Money. Social status. People’s gratitude. “Thank you so much.” “You did a great kindness.” A look of appreciation.
Q: What are the two ways of serving Hashem described in the Tanya?
Rabbi Landau answers: Rabbi Schneur Zalman of Liadi, author of the Tanya, the classic book of Hasidic thought, explains that there are two ways to serve Hashem. One way comes from love of oneself. A person serves Hashem to get something for himself, whether a reward, a sense of fulfillment, or recognition. The other way is love of Hashem Himself. Here a person aims to do what Hashem wants because it is what Hashem wants. No more and no less. Here is the main point. A good deed does not get its value from how the other person reacts. If you did a kindness, you did a kindness, whether or not anyone said thank you.
Q: How does the Baal Shem Tov's teaching that every encounter is a mission from Heaven change the way we give?
Rabbi Landau answers: There is another point here that goes even deeper. The Baal Shem Tov, founder of the Hasidic movement, taught that every meeting between two people, and every chance to do a kindness, is not an accident. It is an exact mission from Heaven. Hashem brought this person before you, at this moment, for this need. So when our question is “Will he thank me?”, we are asking the wrong question. The right question is: Hashem sent me here. Did I carry out my mission? Everything is found in carrying out the mission itself. The person who receives is only the vessel. The One who sent you is Hashem Himself. When a person lives this way, the question of gratitude becomes truly small.
Q: What is the difference between someone who gives and waits for thanks and someone who gives because it is right?
Rabbi Landau answers: There is one difference, small but vital, between two people who do exactly the same act. The first one gives, and waits. He gives, and searches the other person’s eyes to see if he is grateful. He gives, and feels empty when he does not see it. The second one gives because it is the right thing. Because this is what Hashem commanded. Because the chance fell into his hands, and it would be a shame to miss a mission. Young married man, working man: you do not need to stop giving. Just the opposite. But ask yourself first: Why am I doing this? If the answer is “because it is right,” go and do it, and be whole.