The Air of the Home
“Hashem said to Moses: Speak to the priests, the sons of Aaron, and say to them: None of them shall make himself impure for a dead person among his people.” Where We Grew Up Shimon, the son of Rabban Gamliel, said: “All my days I grew up among the wise, and I found nothing better for a person than silence.” What does he mean? He did not say, “All my days I learned from the words of the wise.” He said, “I grew up among the wise.” What shaped him was not only what he heard. It was the space he grew up in, the air all around him. The Question My dear young married friend, think about how we talk with our children. We sit with them and explain. We teach. Sometimes we warn them, and sometimes we scold. And yet we often see our words fall on ground that does not take them in. There is a gap between what we said and what the child actually absorbed. That gap is large, and it hurts. Why does it happen? The Air, Not the Words The answer lies in a place we do not always look. The Talmud tells about the mother of Rabbi Yehoshua ben Chananya. She would carry his cradle into the study hall “so that his ears would cling to the words of Torah.” She did not wait until he was old enough to study. She did not wait until he could understand. She created an air around him. It was a space of holiness that the child could breathe in, even before he had words for what he was taking in. This is a great foundation of raising children. A child does not mainly absorb what we teach him. He absorbs who we are. He picks up the tone. He understands what truly matters to his father and mother, and what they only say with their lips. A child has an inner sense, a sense for truth, and it is not easily fooled. Turning It Around: It Starts with the Adults Here is the new insight that turns the whole picture upside down. We usually ask, “How can I get my child to listen?” But the deeper question is, “Who do I need to be, so that my child has someone to learn from?” Our Sages teach: “Study is not the main thing. Action is.” In raising children, this is even more true. Before you examine your child’s behavior, ask yourself: What in my own behavior is creating what I see in him? Children do not grow up in a classroom. They grow up in the air around them. And we are the ones who make that air. So the responsibility turns back toward the parent. It is not meant as a heavy burden. It is a new definition of what raising children really is. You do not only need to “educate the child.” You need to be the person your child can safely copy. Inside and Outside The Baal Shem Tov, founder of the Hasidic movement, taught that the heart is what matters most: “Hashem wants the heart.” And words that come from the heart enter the heart. It is the same between parent and child. The child does not hear only the words. He senses the heart behind them. When a father lights the Sabbath candles in a rush, with his mind somewhere else, the child senses that his mind is somewhere else. When a mother says the blessing after a meal with real feeling, the child senses that feeling. Saying the right things out loud is not enough. Whatever is built inside the parent is what gets built inside the child.
Putting It into Practice
Tonight, do not start by teaching your children a new explanation. Start with a question inside yourself: What do they see in me? Do they see a person whose holiness is alive inside him? Or are these things I “teach” but do not “breathe”? Work for one day on one character trait: patience, a calm mind, or joy in keeping the commandments. Do it not for the sake of “setting a good example.” Do it because this is your true service of Hashem. Your child will pick it up on his own. The Seed and the Field The home is the first field where we make “a home for Hashem in this lower world.” In this field, the seed is not the beautiful speech. The seed is the person you are. When you work on yourself and refine your character traits and your intentions, the air of your home changes. And inside that air, your children grow. “I grew up among the wise.” This is the true inheritance we pass on to our children. It is not the speech we gave. It is the person we were.
Questions and answers
Q: What verse about the priests, the sons of Aaron, opens “The Air of the Home”?
Rabbi Landau answers: “Hashem said to Moses: Speak to the priests, the sons of Aaron, and say to them: None of them shall make himself impure for a dead person among his people.”
Q: Why do our words to our children so often fail to take root?
Rabbi Landau answers: My dear young married friend, think about how we talk with our children. We sit with them and explain. We teach. Sometimes we warn them, and sometimes we scold. And yet we often see our words fall on ground that does not take them in. There is a gap between what we said and what the child actually absorbed. That gap is large, and it hurts. Why does it happen?
Q: What does the story of Rabbi Yehoshua ben Chananya’s mother bringing his cradle to the study hall teach about the air of the home?
Rabbi Landau answers: The answer lies in a place we do not always look. The Talmud tells about the mother of Rabbi Yehoshua ben Chananya. She would carry his cradle into the study hall “so that his ears would cling to the words of Torah.” She did not wait until he was old enough to study. She did not wait until he could understand. She created an air around him. It was a space of holiness that the child could breathe in, even before he had words for what he was taking in. This is a great foundation of raising children. A child does not mainly absorb what we teach him. He absorbs who we are. He picks up the tone.
Q: Why do children absorb what is inside a parent more than what the parent says?
Rabbi Landau answers: The Baal Shem Tov, founder of the Hasidic movement, taught that the heart is what matters most: “Hashem wants the heart.” And words that come from the heart enter the heart. It is the same between parent and child. The child does not hear only the words. He senses the heart behind them. When a father lights the Sabbath candles in a rush, with his mind somewhere else, the child senses that his mind is somewhere else. When a mother says the blessing after a meal with real feeling, the child senses that feeling. Saying the right things out loud is not enough. Whatever is built inside the parent is what gets built inside the child.
Q: What question should a parent ask himself tonight before teaching his children something new?
Rabbi Landau answers: Tonight, do not start by teaching your children a new explanation. Start with a question inside yourself: What do they see in me? Do they see a person whose holiness is alive inside him? Or are these things I “teach” but do not “breathe”? Work for one day on one character trait: patience, a calm mind, or joy in keeping the commandments. Do it not for the sake of “setting a good example.” Do it because this is your true service of Hashem. Your child will pick it up on his own. The Seed and the Field The home is the first field where we make “a home for Hashem in this lower world.” In this field, the seed is not the beautiful speech. The seed is the person you are.