The Boundary That Tells One Love from Another

As King Solomon wrote: “The wounds a friend gives you can be trusted, but the kisses of an enemy are false.” Our Sages teach: “Any love that depends on something will end when that something ends. But love that does not depend on anything will never end.” This is a simple idea, and everyone knows it. But there is a question here that almost nobody asks. How can you know, before that “something” ends, whether the love a friend gives you depends on something or not? Once the “something” is gone and the love is gone with it, what good does the knowing do? The damage is done. Your heart has already been burned. Must you wait for years, until the moment of truth arrives, to find out what kind of bond you really had? One can say that the teaching itself hides the key inside it. We just don’t always notice it. The New Idea: A Boundary Is the Test There is a way to discover the true nature of a love before it has completely ended. That way is to set a boundary. A boundary, in truth, is not an act of pushing someone away. It is an act of order, of building. Suppose a person decides: “This time is for Torah. This time is for my family. This strength is for my serving Hashem.” He is not pushing anyone away. He is building himself. He is marking out his place in his world and in his inner work. And here, exactly here, the hidden thing comes to light. Only two reactions are possible. There is no third. The first reaction comes from the one whose love depends on something. When you set a boundary, he complains. He says, “You’ve changed. You’re not yourself anymore.” He mourns “the old you.” Why? Because he never loved you. He loved that you had no limits. He loved that you were always available. He loved your automatic “yes,” and everything he could take from you. When you stop, he does not see growth. He sees “a free item that stopped being free.” The second reaction comes from the one whose love does not depend on anything. When you set a boundary, he is happy. He says, “Finally!” He does not mourn “the old you.” He is proud of “the new you.” He always loved you for who you are inside: your soul, your true self. So when you grow stronger, your strength is his joy. That is the test. You don’t need to wait for years. One boundary is enough to reveal the truth. A Note for Your Inner Work: Even “Being Good to Everyone” Can Be a Pull Toward Wrong There is a sensitive point here, and it must be said out loud. Often a person does not set a boundary, and the reason is not simple weakness. The reason feels to him like kindness: “I want to be good. I want to help. I don’t want to hurt anyone.” But ask yourself: who is your “goodness” really for? Maybe you carry a load that is not yours. Maybe you show up when you need to stay home. Maybe you do what others want at the cost of building yourself. If so, this is not kindness. It is giving up on your inner self. Rabbi Schneur Zalman of Liadi, author of the Tanya, explains in that classic book of Hasidic thought that true love for every Jew is love for the divine point inside each Jewish soul, for that person’s inner self. Love like this is happy when the other person builds himself, even when it means he is less “available” on the outside. And someone who gets angry when you build yourself was never interested in your inner self at all. The Pain That Brings Clarity Yes, there is pain in this discovery. You set a healthy boundary, and an “old” friend disappears. Your heart hurts. It is allowed to hurt. The pain is real. But let yourself see what really happened. You did not lose a friend. You found out there was no friend there. A moment of clarity is a gift, even when it hurts. Now you know who you are walking with, and who you are not. The spiritual journey, both between you and others and between you and Hashem, is built on a foundation of truth. A boundary is not a wall. It is a holy tool for seeing things as they really are. It separates the one who loves you from the one who loves what he could take from you.

Concepts: comfort and action