The Comfort Zone of Sadness
A Hard Question I once met a young married man. He was wise and had a big heart. He asked me a question that burned straight into the soul: “I know my sadness is hurting me. I know it is pulling me away from Hashem, from my wife, from life itself. And still, I can’t get out of it. Why?” I was silent, because it is a real question. A person wants what is good for himself. So why would he hold on with both hands to something that hurts him? What does he “gain” by sinking? And what is going on inside him that keeps him stuck to his sadness, even when he says loud and clear that he wants out? The Hidden Comfort of Sadness Here is the secret that few people see clearly. Sadness is not just something that happens to you. It also gives you something. When a person is in a dark place, sunk in a swamp of black gloom, he is excused. He is excused from facing his challenges. He is excused from responsibility. He is excused from taking anything on himself. “I can’t” becomes a shield that keeps him out of the battle. Over time, this “excuse” becomes familiar. What is familiar starts to feel safe. And what feels safe is worth more than gold. The person begins to feel: “Here, at least, I know where I stand. Out there, who knows what might happen?” This is the “comfort zone” of sadness. It is not real comfort, because it hurts. It is the comfort of the familiar. That is why every pep talk, every “think positive,” every “be strong” goes right over his head. None of it touches the root. The root is that he is quietly getting something out of his sadness without even knowing it: he is excused. As long as that hidden “gain” is there, the sadness stays. Going Deeper: Where It Comes From Rabbi Schneur Zalman of Liadi, author of the Tanya, the classic book of Hasidic thought, writes there that sadness comes from the forces of darkness. Its whole purpose is to make a person idle, to keep him away from Torah and the commandments. Notice this. He does not say sadness leads to idleness by accident. He says that is its purpose. The dark side, so to speak, is clever. It knows one thing about the human heart: if it can keep a person idle, it has won. How does it get what it wants? Through exactly the “comfort zone” we described. The evil inclination, the inner voice that pulls us toward wrong, does not shout. It whispers: “It’s good for you here. You know this place. Don’t move.” In this way it stops a person from taking on responsibility, from acting, from stepping out of his own self and into the world of someone else. Idleness is the dark side’s victory. This is not because the person is lazy. It is because he is chained by a quiet, delicate trap that he does not even recognize. The Answer: A Mission And here is the new idea. The answer is not to fight the sadness head-on. Fighting it directly, telling yourself “I’m not allowed to be sad” or “I have to be happy,” usually makes things worse, because it adds shame on top of the pain. The answer is to go around it and remove the hidden “gain” at its root. How? By taking on a mission. When a person takes on a role that matters, a role where he is needed, where others depend on him, something changes deep inside him. The excuse falls away on its own. This is not because we defeated it. It is because a new responsibility appeared that is bigger than he is. The power to act, which was asleep inside him, wakes up. “I can’t” runs into “They need me.” From there, a process begins. Look at what the Prophets tell us about Elijah. He sat under a broom tree in the desert and asked to die. Hashem did not send him an angel to comfort him. He sent him an angel with a piece of bread, who said: “The road ahead is too long for you.” In other words: get up, because there is a mission. This is the prophet’s answer to despair. Not encouragement, but marching orders.
Putting It into Practice
If you are a young married man and you feel stuck, ask yourself just one question: Where am I needed? Don’t ask “How can I be happy?” Ask where there is a job that has no one to do it unless you do it. It could be at home, in the synagogue, with your study partner, or out on the street. Find one place where you can say: “Here, they are counting on me.” Take it on yourself. Not something big. Something small. Then watch how the “comfort” of sadness starts to lose its grip. When you have a mission, your heart has no room left to sink into the false safe house of idleness. Real joy, the joy of doing a good deed, does not come first. It comes from doing.
Questions and answers
Q: Why can't a person get out of sadness even when he knows it is hurting him?
Rabbi Landau answers: I once met a young married man. He was wise and had a big heart. He asked me a question that burned straight into the soul: “I know my sadness is hurting me. I know it is pulling me away from Hashem, from my wife, from life itself. And still, I can’t get out of it. Why?” I was silent, because it is a real question. A person wants what is good for himself. So why would he hold on with both hands to something that hurts him? What does he “gain” by sinking? And what is going on inside him that keeps him stuck to his sadness, even when he says loud and clear that he wants out?
Q: What hidden comfort does sadness give a person?
Rabbi Landau answers: Here is the secret that few people see clearly. Sadness is not just something that happens to you. It also gives you something. When a person is in a dark place, sunk in a swamp of black gloom, he is excused. He is excused from facing his challenges. He is excused from responsibility. He is excused from taking anything on himself. “I can’t” becomes a shield that keeps him out of the battle. Over time, this “excuse” becomes familiar. What is familiar starts to feel safe. And what feels safe is worth more than gold. The person begins to feel: “Here, at least, I know where I stand. Out there, who knows what might happen?” This is the “comfort zone” of sadness.
Q: Should a person fight sadness head-on by telling himself he must be happy?
Rabbi Landau answers: The answer is not to fight the sadness head-on. Fighting it directly, telling yourself “I’m not allowed to be sad” or “I have to be happy,” usually makes things worse, because it adds shame on top of the pain. The answer is to go around it and remove the hidden “gain” at its root.
Q: How does taking on a mission help a person out of sadness?
Rabbi Landau answers: When a person takes on a role that matters, a role where he is needed, where others depend on him, something changes deep inside him. The excuse falls away on its own. This is not because we defeated it. It is because a new responsibility appeared that is bigger than he is. The power to act, which was asleep inside him, wakes up. “I can’t” runs into “They need me.” From there, a process begins. Look at what the Prophets tell us about Elijah. He sat under a broom tree in the desert and asked to die. Hashem did not send him an angel to comfort him.
Q: What question should a young married man who feels stuck in sadness ask himself?
Rabbi Landau answers: If you are a young married man and you feel stuck, ask yourself just one question: Where am I needed? Don’t ask “How can I be happy?” Ask where there is a job that has no one to do it unless you do it. It could be at home, in the synagogue, with your study partner, or out on the street. Find one place where you can say: “Here, they are counting on me.” Take it on yourself. Not something big. Something small. Then watch how the “comfort” of sadness starts to lose its grip. When you have a mission, your heart has no room left to sink into the false safe house of idleness. Real joy, the joy of doing a good deed, does not come first. It comes from doing.