The King Who Gives

Opening Maimonides, the great medieval Jewish scholar, wrote in his laws of marriage: “And so the Sages commanded the wife to honor her husband greatly, to hold him in awe, and to do all her actions according to his word.” The words are clear. Sharp. But every young married man who lives in a home knows the question from his own life: Why don’t I always feel this honor? You are sitting at home. She bought one more yogurt than was on the list. And suddenly there you are, going over the grocery list, checking every detail, weighing every item. And then, deep in your heart, you expect to be treated like a king? The question is not about her. The question is about you. The Foundation If Maimonides says a wife should honor her husband like a king, then first the husband must be a king. If he isn’t, where would the kingship come from? There is a huge difference between a king and a ruler. A ruler controls. He limits, he cuts back, he keeps score. He gives only enough so that nothing is missing, and not a bit more. A king is different. A king gives because that is who he is. His giving is not a deal and not a reward. It is his very self. The narrow-mindedness of a husband who checks lists is not just a money problem. It is a statement of who he is: “I am not a king.” And if so, how can he ask to be treated like one? What Is a King? Hasidic teaching speaks of a divine quality called “kingship.” It is described like this: “It has nothing of its own.” It owns nothing by itself, and yet it is the one that passes all blessing down to the lower worlds. Its power is in being a channel. It receives from above and gives below, with no holding back and no delay. A husband in his home, if he is truly a king, is a channel of blessing. Not a gatekeeper. Not an accountant. He receives from Heaven and passes it on to his home, in spirit and in material things, with a generous eye and an open heart. As King Solomon wrote in Proverbs: “One with a good eye will be blessed.” The person with a good eye, who gives with a whole heart and sees plenty instead of lack, is the one who is blessed. That is kingship. And the opposite? A husband who checks the list item by item is acting from a feeling of tightness, from the stingy person’s “bad eye.” And the stingy person feels poor even in his own eyes, not only over what he truly lacks. He is not a king. He is a poor man. A Hasidic Insight Rabbi Schneur Zalman of Liadi, author of the Tanya, the classic book of Hasidic thought, wrote in the letters section of the Tanya that giving with your hands is only the outside sign of something inside. A person whose soul is wide has an open hand. A person whose soul is narrow has a closed fist. It is not about how much money you have. It is about who you are. A king gives because he is a king. Not because he has a lot, but because kingship is who he is. And the other way around: counting and calculating over the household bills is not only a lack of generosity. It is a lack of kingship. It announces again and again: “There is no king here.” Closing Maimonides’ words stand firm. A wife should honor her husband like a king. But the question of honor does not begin with her. It begins with you. You cannot demand the honor of a king while you act like a stingy tyrant. Honor is not taken. It is created. It rises on its own when a wife sees a husband who gives, who pours out good, whose hands bring blessing into the home and not calculations. The way to fulfill this law is not to ask more of her. The way is to become a king first.