The Measure You Use

Opening There is a moment we all know. You did something, and it didn’t come out the way you wanted. You said a word that landed wrong. You made a decision that looked like a mistake from the outside. And right away a thought rises up in you: “But I meant well.” You know what was in your heart. You know why you did what you did. And you feel that if people could see what was inside, not just the act but what stood behind it, they would judge you differently. That frustration is real. And there is truth in it. But there is a question here that should worry you much more. The Rigged Game When your friend, or your wife, or your child does the very same thing, do you stop to ask what they meant? Be honest with yourself. Most of the time, no. You see the act, and the act speaks for itself. You judge them by what actually happened. But you judge yourself by what you wanted to happen. This is not the Hasidic way. It isn’t even basic fairness. It is a game where the scale is tilted in your favor from the start. You, and only you, get a discount. Everyone else pays full price. The Mishnah, in Ethics of the Fathers, says: “Judge every person favorably.” It does not say, “Judge yourself favorably.” It says every person. This is not just a rule of good manners. It obliges you to straighten the line. Not Only from Heaven Our Sages say: “The measure a person uses is the measure used for him.” We usually understand this as a rule of reward and punishment. Heaven pays a person back according to how he acted. And that is true. But there is another layer here. The measuring stick you use for others becomes the inner measuring stick you use for yourself. This happens not only from Heaven, but right inside you. When you train yourself to see other people only through their outward actions, without looking for what they meant inside, that same cold, courtroom way of seeing turns inward too. You start to judge yourself just as harshly. The Tanya, the classic book of Hasidic thought, explains in chapter 32 that loving another person depends on seeing his inner point, the divine spark inside him. If you practice seeing what is inside another person, you also sharpen your sight for what is inside you. The opposite is true as well. Whoever shuts his eyes to what is inside others will, in the end, shut them to what is inside himself too. A Sharp Choice So what should you do? There are two ways, and only two. You can judge everyone by their actions, yourself included. You made a mistake? You are judged by what happened, not by what you wanted. “Blessed is the true Judge.” Or you can take the path that the Baal Shem Tov, founder of the Hasidic movement, teaches, and judge everyone by what they meant. Judge them favorably. Look for the inner point. Ask: What did he want? Ask it exactly the way you want people to ask it about you. The Torah says: “Love your fellow as yourself.” Those words, “as yourself,” were not written for nothing. The other person is like you. If you want people to see what is inside you, see what is inside him. You cannot hold both ends of one rope at the same time.