The Net of Flattery

“A man who flatters his friend spreads a net at his feet.” A Puzzling Verse “A man who flatters his friend spreads a net at his feet.” Stop for a moment on this verse. It says that someone who smooths things over for his friend, who pampers him and flatters him, is spreading a net. Fine. But at whose feet? The friend’s? No. The verse says “at his feet.” At his own feet, the feet of the flatterer himself. The question is simple and deep. If the flatterer is the one who spread the net, why does he get caught in it? He knows exactly where he put it! Truth Has Weight, Flattery Is Light The Talmud lists four groups of people who will not greet Hashem’s Presence. One of them is the group of flatterers. Why them, of all people? Because Hashem’s Presence is, so to speak, “truth.” Flattery is the clearest form of empty outer show. Two opposites cannot connect. There is a basic point here. Truth is not only “reporting the facts correctly.” Truth has heaviness. It has weight. It sinks down into a thing and holds on to it. Flattery is the opposite. It is lightness, a state of floating and hovering. It is like helium gas. It floats. It fills the room. It is even pleasant to hear. But there is nothing solid in it. You cannot rely on it to carry anything real. Our Sages teach: “Truth stands. Falsehood does not stand.” Truth stands firm. Falsehood falls. This is not only about right and wrong. It is about what is real. Truth has existence. Falsehood has none. That is why it is said, “A lie has no legs.” It has nothing to stand on. Respect, or Being Liked Dear young married man, here is the choice as it really is. You can chase after being liked. You can tell people what they want to hear. You can soften things, smooth them over, and give a warm smile even when you disagree. And you will get it. People will love you in that moment. You will float around the room like helium, light and pleasant. Or you can choose respect. You can be the person others can rely on, whose words carry weight, the one people listen to when he speaks. Respect is not gained in a moment. It is built slowly, layer upon layer, out of the heavy material of truth. The two cannot live under one roof. In real life this choice will come: in raising your children, in talking to a friend who is making a mistake, in standing before a community. Most of the time the easy road, the road of “What will people say?”, the road of “I don’t want to hurt anyone,” is the road of flattery. The lightness it gives you is real. But it is only temporary. Answering the Question Now back to the verse. Why is the net “at his feet”? Because the flatterer does not only trap his friend. He traps himself. Every time he chooses the lightness of flattery over the weight of truth, he turns himself into a “light” person. He becomes someone nobody trusts to carry anything real. His relationships are built like a net: wide to look at, and full of holes inside. He spread the net with his own hands, again and again. He did it with every agreement that was not sincere, and with every smooth word that did not come from the heart, until he was locked inside it. The people around him have already formed a picture of him: “He’s nice, but… don’t ask him what he really thinks.”