Why do I still feel guilty after I've done teshuvah?
By Rabbi Shalom Landau.
Rabbi Landau teaches that guilt which lingers after real teshuvah “is not humility, it's arrogance.” People like to hold onto guilt because it seems to prove they care. He says it really shows “you can't let go of yourself.”
He cites the Rambam. Once you have confessed, regretted, and committed not to do it again, you are “a new person. There's no probation, there's no parole, it's forgiven.” So why are you still walking around heavy? Because you never let yourself register that it actually got fixed. “You don't believe it was erased.”
What's really going on, he explains, is ego. You built an image of yourself as someone “too good to ever sin.” Reality smashed that image, and you can't forgive yourself for it. “Guilt after [teshuvah] is not about Hashem, it's about ego.” His call is to stop “worshipping your image of yourself” and surrender to the power of teshuvah. “You're human, you're not a robot.”
Watch Rabbi Landau's teaching · Also taught in: teaching 2
Related concepts: Believing you are forgiven
In A Soul at Peace: The Hidden Arrogance in Regret
Also answered in this teaching
How can I tell whether my heaviness is real regret?
In A Soul at Peace, Rabbi Landau suggests asking: “Who am I mourning right now? Am I mourning for Hashem's honor, or for the image I built of myself?” If it is the image, it is not regret but ego, and it is time to let it go.
Going deeper: Rabbi Landau's teaching, level by level
Surface claim
Guilt that lingers after complete teshuvah is not humility; it is arrogance.
Fear, vulnerability, or tension
Letting go of guilt can feel like not caring. Rabbi Landau says holding on shows only that you can't let go of yourself.
Underlying need or longing
A person wants to know the wrong is truly gone. The Rambam teaches there is no probation and no parole: it is forgiven.
What may be behind it
An image of yourself as too good to ever sin was smashed by reality. The pain is over that broken image, not over Hashem.
Deepest human truth
Why is it so hard to forgive myself?
Because you are bowing to your own image instead of surrendering to the power of teshuvah. You're human, not a robot and not an angel.
More questions from this teaching
More answers: The Cycle of Renewal: Elul, Holidays, and Light · All questions · Questions about Rabbi Landau and Rivnitz