Can I be both liked and respected?

Rabbi Landau teaches that “if you’re always trying to be liked, you are guaranteeing you will never be respected.” Respect and likability, he says, don’t live in the same house.

You can tell people what they want to hear, or you can tell them what they need to hear. Not both. King Solomon said, “Gever machlik al re’ehu, reshes pores al pe’amav,” a man who flatters his friend sets a trap beneath his own feet. Why? Because flattery is manipulation. “You’re not being kind, you’re being fake, and people smell it.”

“Truth has weight. Flattery is helium.” You might float in a room, but no one will trust you to carry anything real. So don’t chase approval; speak truth. “Respect lasts longer than being liked ever will.”

Also answered in this teaching

Does speaking the truth mean being harsh?

In A Soul at Peace, Rabbi Landau writes that you should not try to be sharp or hurtful. “Truth is not a sword. Truth is weight: quiet, steady, and faithful.”

Going deeper: Rabbi Landau's teaching, level by level

Surface claim

Chasing being liked costs you respect, because you cannot both tell people what they want to hear and what they need to hear.

Fear, vulnerability, or tension

Why is it so tempting to flatter?

Flattery works in the moment. In A Soul at Peace, Rabbi Landau writes that people will love you right then, and you will float around the room like helium, light and pleasant.

What may be behind it

Rabbi Landau writes that the flatterer traps himself: every time he chooses lightness over truth, he becomes someone nobody trusts to carry anything real.

Deepest human truth

Respect is built slowly, layer upon layer, out of the heavy material of truth. It lasts longer than being liked ever will.

More questions from this teaching

• Why does flattery end up trapping the person who flatters?