What does it mean when I tell myself I don't want something anymore?

Rabbi Landau teaches that “the most dangerous thing is not losing what you want, it's forgetting you ever wanted it.” Very often, “I don't want it” is a lie, and the one you are lying to is yourself.

Here is how it works. Wanting something you don't think you can get hurts. So the mind does you a favor: “it doesn't kill the dream, it kills the permission to dream.” The person who says “I don't care about money,” or “I'm fine single,” has often said no to himself enough times that the wanting went quiet. And “you can't numb one desire, you numb them all.”

Ask him what he really wants, and the honest answer isn't nothing. It's “I stopped letting myself know.” Shlomo HaMelech says, “Tochelet memushachah machalah lev,” hope that keeps getting pushed off makes the heart sick.

So Rabbi Landau asks: “Did you make peace with your life, or did you just stop asking it for anything?” Don't confuse giving up with being at peace.

Also answered in this teaching

Can I stop wanting just one thing without it affecting the rest of my life?

Rabbi Landau teaches that you can't numb one desire; when you numb one, you numb them all.

Going deeper: Rabbi Landau's teaching, level by level

Surface claim

“I don't want it” often really means “I stopped believing I could have it.”

Fear, vulnerability, or tension

Wanting something you think you can't get hurts, so the mind removes the permission to dream.

What may be behind it

Hope that keeps getting pushed off makes the heart sick, and after enough disappointments the wanting goes quiet, and with it every other desire.

Deepest human truth

How can I tell giving up from being at peace?

Rabbi Landau asks whether you made peace with your life or simply stopped asking it for anything. Peace and giving up can look the same from outside.

More questions from this teaching

• How can I tell if I've made peace with my life or just given up?