Why does comparing myself to others always make me feel behind?

Rabbi Landau teaches that “you can't win against someone you invented.” When you compare, you want one friend's marriage and another friend's confidence, and then you hold your whole life up against both of them at once.

You have built an imaginary person out of the best parts of many different people, and you ask yourself to match all of them simultaneously. “Your competitor is a person who doesn't exist.” The more people you compare yourself to, the less you become.

His practical exercise: next time you feel behind, name which advantage actually belongs to which person, and “watch the competitor dissolve.” You were never losing to someone. “You were losing to a comparison that was never real.”

He reads the Torah's command this way: “Lo sachmod,” do not covet your neighbor's house, your neighbor's wife, his servant, his ox, his donkey, “and all that belongs to your neighbor.” It is a list of the best parts of everyone else's life, gathered into one life you think should be yours.

Going deeper: Rabbi Landau's teaching, level by level

Surface claim

Comparison cheats: it pits you against an imaginary person made of everyone else's best parts.

Fear, vulnerability, or tension

A person feels behind, as if he is losing, and the more people he compares himself to, the less he becomes.

Deepest human truth

“Lo sachmod... v'chol asher l'reiecha.” The Torah's list describes one invented life gathered from many neighbors. Stop competing with a life you invented.

More questions from this teaching

• What does the commandment “do not covet” teach about comparing myself to others?