Why does love die out when you stop giving?

Rabbi Landau teaches that you don’t love someone because they are lovable; “you love them because you gifted them. If you stop giving, the love’s going to die out. It’s that simple.”

He points to the Hebrew word for love, ahava, which comes from hav, to give. “So love is not a feeling, it’s a flow.” Most people think, I give to those I love. “But the Torah says, you love those you give to.” When you invest your energy, your patience, and your effort, “you are planting yourself into that person.”

Love, he says, is like a fire. The moment you stop feeding it, it doesn’t stay warm; it starts dying. “Love is a living flame, and it burns only if you keep giving.” So if you say the love is gone, “check your hands. You probably chopped the wood.”

Going deeper: Rabbi Landau's teaching, level by level

Surface claim

You don’t love people because they are lovable; you love them because you give to them.

Fear, vulnerability, or tension

When the giving stops, love does not simply fade. Like a fire with no wood, it starts dying.

Underlying need or longing

Through energy, patience, and effort, a person plants himself in another, and that is what he loves.

Deepest human truth

Love is a living flame that burns only while you keep giving. If it is gone, check your hands.

More questions from this teaching

• What does the Hebrew word for love, ahava, teach about love?