Do children learn more from what we teach them or from who we are?

Rabbi Landau teaches that the biggest mistake adults make is thinking children learn from what we teach them. “They don’t. Children are learning from what we are.”

Chazal say on the verse “Emor el hakohanim... v’amarta aleihem”: “l’hazhir gedolim al haketanim,” to warn the adults about the children. Be careful with yourself, because there are children watching you. A child does not only hear your words; he observes your tone. Children know what you really care about and what you are just pretending to care about.

So before you fix a child’s behavior, check what your own behavior is causing. “Children don’t grow in the classroom. They grow in the atmosphere.” A child is not raised by instructions; he is raised “by the air of the home.”

In his reading, Chazal are saying that a child is not only responsible to listen to the adults. “The adults are responsible for becoming someone a child can safely copy.”

Going deeper: Rabbi Landau's teaching, level by level

Surface claim

Children learn from what adults are, not only from what they teach.

Fear, vulnerability, or tension

Children can tell what you really care about and what you are only pretending to care about.

What may be behind it

A child’s behavior can be shaped by the adults’ behavior. Rabbi Landau says to check that before trying to fix the child.

Deepest human truth

A child is raised by the air of the home. The adults are responsible for becoming someone a child can safely copy.

More questions from this teaching

• What does it mean that adults are warned about the children?