Can love heal a spouse's addiction?

Rabbi Landau teaches, “They say love heals everything, but it doesn't. Love is powerful, but love is not a medicine.” A wife thinks that if she were more patient and more supportive, maybe he would change. “But that's like curing cancer with a hug.”

Addiction, he says, “doesn't vanish with affection. It doesn't erase with kindness. It's a soul sickness and it demands action, his action, not hers.” Her love can make him stronger and remind him he's not alone, “but it cannot take away the battle.”

If she believes it will, she sets herself up for heartbreak, “because when it fails, she's going to blame herself.” The Torah says, ish b'chet'o yumas: each person answers for his own sin, or as his caption puts it, each person must face his own struggle. “You can't outlove an addiction. Love is support, not salvation.”

So what is her tafkid? Not to save him, but, in his caption's words, to love from strength, not self-erasure. “Healing is his to do.”

Going deeper: Rabbi Landau's teaching, level by level

Surface claim

Love is powerful, but it is not medicine. It cannot fight someone else's battle.

Fear, vulnerability, or tension

Did I fail because I didn't love enough?

Rabbi Landau warns that a wife who believes her love will cure him sets herself up for heartbreak, and then blames herself when it fails.

Underlying need or longing

Her love can strengthen him and remind him he's not alone. That is real, even though it is support, not salvation.

Deepest human truth

Each person must face his own struggle. Healing is his to do, and her role is to love from strength.

More questions from this teaching

• How can I support a loved one who is struggling with addiction?