Do I need to tell people what my boundaries are?

Rabbi Landau answers that a real boundary doesn't need to be announced. “You don't have to announce it, so you don't need their agreement. A real boundary is something you live, not something you tell.”

The reason is that a boundary isn't a rule for them. “It's not, ‘You are not allowed to cross this line.’ It's, ‘If you cross it, I know exactly who I will be anyway.’” If it depends on them, he warns, “if your boundaries only exist when they respect it, then it's not a boundary, it's a hope.”

As his caption puts it: you don't announce it, you don't negotiate it, you live it.

Going deeper: Rabbi Landau's teaching, level by level

Surface claim

A real boundary is lived, not announced.

Fear, vulnerability, or tension

A boundary that depends on the other person's respect is only a hope.

Deepest human truth

It is about who you are, whatever they do.

More questions from this teaching

• What makes a boundary real instead of just a request?