What makes a boundary real instead of just a request?

Rabbi Landau teaches that most of what people today call boundaries isn't. Telling someone, “You can't talk to me like that,” is “actually a request.” Saying, “If you do that again, I'm leaving,” is better, “but still a reaction. They act, then you move.”

“A real boundary is not what you place on them, it's something you place on yourself.” It isn't “You are not allowed to cross this line.” It's “If you cross it, I know exactly who I will be anyway.”

The deepest boundary, he explains, is not leaving the room. “It's not needing to, because they no longer have access to the part of you they used to shake.” You don't have to announce it, and you don't need their agreement. “If your boundaries only exist when they respect it, then it's not a boundary, it's a hope.”

In the end, “a boundary isn't about walking away from them, it's about not walking away from yourself.”

Going deeper: Rabbi Landau's teaching, level by level

Surface claim

Most so-called boundaries are requests or reactions. A real boundary is something you place on yourself.

Fear, vulnerability, or tension

Why does a boundary keep breaking?

Because it depends on the other person. If it only exists when they respect it, Rabbi Landau says, “it's not a boundary, it's a hope.”

Underlying need or longing

To no longer be shaken, so that they “no longer have access to the part of you they used to shake.”

Deepest human truth

A boundary is lived, not announced. It is not about walking away from them, but about not walking away from yourself.

More questions from this teaching

• Do I need to tell people what my boundaries are?