How do I stop being a people pleaser?

Rabbi Landau answers that you stop chasing people's gratitude and start doing what's right, because the thank-you you are waiting for is not coming. People pleasers bend over backwards their whole lives, saying yes when they mean no, giving up their time, their peace and their sanity, “all to hear a thank you.”

“You can give someone everything for 10 years and let them down once and suddenly you're the villain,” he says. “That's what people pleasing actually buys you.” It isn't kindness.

So be good to people, but because it's right, not because you're starving for their approval. That, he says, is what the Mishna teaches: “Al tihyu ka'avadim ha'meshamshin es ha'rav al menas l'kabel pras,” don't be like servants who serve their master only to receive a reward.

“Chase their gratitude, you will always come up empty. Do what's right and you will never need it.” The moment you stop expecting gratitude, you are finally free.

Going deeper: Rabbi Landau's teaching, level by level

Surface claim

Do good because it's right, not to earn people's approval.

Fear, vulnerability, or tension

People pleasers say yes when they mean no and give up their time, peace and sanity, and still one letdown makes them the villain.

What may be behind it

In A Soul at Peace, Rabbi Landau writes that when the reason you give is other people's gratitude, you have placed your happiness in someone else's hand, and that hand will never hold on tightly enough.

Deepest human truth

Chase gratitude and you will always come up empty; do what's right and you will never need it. The moment you stop expecting thanks, you're free.

More questions from this teaching

• What does “don't be like servants who serve for a reward” mean?