Should I believe whoever tells the most emotional story in a conflict?

Rabbi Landau teaches, “Don't be fooled by the most emotional story.” The question is not only who is crying. “The deeper question is, who is reversing the story?”

He explains that a real victim of abuse often doesn't even know it is happening. He asks himself, “maybe it's me.” A real victim explains the abuser, protects the abuser, “and only later wakes up.”

Meanwhile there is “a known reversal trick.” First they deny, then they attack, and then they flip the whole story, so the one who did the harm becomes the victim. “The loudest victim story is not always the true story,” he says. “Sometimes it's the most organized story.” And sometimes the one at fault is not the one everyone is pointing to. “It's the one who taught everyone where to point.”

That is why Shlomo HaMelech says, tzaddik harishon b'rivo, u'va re'eihu va'chakaro: “The first one who pleads his case seems right, until another comes and examines him.” As his caption puts it, wisdom requires slowing down and examining carefully, because truth is not determined by who cries the hardest.

Going deeper: Rabbi Landau's teaching, level by level

Surface claim

An emotional story is not proof. The real question is who is reversing the story.

Fear, vulnerability, or tension

Why don't real victims always see what is happening to them?

Rabbi Landau explains that a real victim asks, “maybe it's me,” explains and protects the person hurting him, and only wakes up later.

What may be behind it

A pattern of deny, attack, and flip the story, so that the one causing harm becomes the one everyone feels sorry for.

Deepest human truth

The first story always sounds right. Truth only comes out when the other side is heard and the story is examined.

More questions from this teaching

• Why do victims of abuse often defend the person hurting them?