Why do victims of abuse often defend the person hurting them?

Rabbi Landau explains that “a real victim of abuse usually doesn't even know they are being abused while it's happening.” Instead of accusing, he turns the question on himself: “maybe it's me.”

That is why, he says, “a real victim explains the abuser, protects the abuser, and only later wakes up.” The person in pain is busy making sense of the other person's behavior, not building a case.

This is part of why the loudest victim story can mislead. The one who is truly hurting is often quiet and unsure, while the one causing the harm may deny, attack, and flip the story. As his caption puts it, sometimes discernment requires hearing what isn't being said.

Going deeper: Rabbi Landau's teaching, level by level

Surface claim

Real victims often don't recognize what is happening while it happens.

Fear, vulnerability, or tension

They question themselves: “maybe it's me.”

Deepest human truth

Truth is not determined by who cries the hardest. Sometimes it is found in what isn't being said.

More questions from this teaching

• Should I believe whoever tells the most emotional story in a conflict?