What does it really mean to be emotionally healthy in a relationship?

Rabbi Landau explains that baby boomers and Gen Z both claim to be emotionally healthy. “One says, ‘I'm strong enough to stay.’ The other says, ‘I'm strong enough to leave.’ But no one is strong enough to face the problem.”

Both were running, he says, “just in a different direction. One stayed in the relationship, but escaped his feelings. The other stayed with their feelings, but they escaped the relationship.” Your grandfather said, “Nothing bothers me,” and you say, “Everyone is toxic.”

He translates the slogans: “I'm keeping the peace” means “I'm afraid to speak.” “I'm protecting my peace, I set a boundary” means “I'm afraid to listen.” King Solomon describes it: “Dor tahor b'einav u'mitzoaso lo rutzach,” a generation pure in its own eyes that has not been washed of its filth.

An emotionally healthy person, Rabbi Landau teaches, “can face a problem and work to resolve it, without running away physically or shutting down emotionally.”

Going deeper: Rabbi Landau's teaching, level by level

Surface claim

Both generations claim emotional health, yet neither faces the problem.

Fear, vulnerability, or tension

Behind the slogans is fear: afraid to speak, or afraid to listen.

What may be behind it

Both are running. One escapes his feelings to keep the relationship; the other escapes the relationship to keep his feelings. King Solomon's verse describes a generation pure in its own eyes.

Deepest human truth

Health is not proving you are strong enough to stay or strong enough to leave. It is being strong enough to face the problem without disappearing, emotionally or physically.

More questions from this teaching

• What does “protecting my peace” or “keeping the peace” often really mean?