What does “protecting my peace” or “keeping the peace” often really mean?

Rabbi Landau explains that these phrases often hide fear. “‘I'm keeping the peace’ means, ‘I'm afraid to speak.’ ‘I'm protecting my peace, I set a boundary,’ it means, ‘I'm afraid to listen.’”

Both slogans sound healthy, he says, but both can be ways of running. The older style keeps the relationship and escapes the feelings; the newer style keeps the feelings and escapes the relationship.

His test is whether you can stay with the problem. A healthy person “can face a problem and work to resolve it,” instead of going silent to avoid speaking or walking away to avoid listening.

Going deeper: Rabbi Landau's teaching, level by level

Surface claim

“Keeping the peace” and “protecting my peace” can both be forms of escape.

Fear, vulnerability, or tension

Fear of speaking, and fear of listening.

Deepest human truth

Peace comes from facing the problem, not from silence or distance.

More questions from this teaching

• What does it really mean to be emotionally healthy in a relationship?