What should I say when a friend tells me about their pain?

Rabbi Landau teaches that telling someone you understand their pain because you had a similar experience is not really helping. He calls it “instrumental empathy.” A friend tells you they were just diagnosed with something bad, and you answer, “I'm sorry, I feel you because I had a similar experience.” In that moment, “you just hijacked their pain and made it about you.”

“Real empathy isn't about I have been there, it's I haven't and I still care.” It is saying, “I can't imagine your pain, but I'm here in it with you.” The verse says, b'chol tzarasam lo tzar, “in all their troubles, He was troubled.” As he puts it, “It's your pain, not our pain, and I'm still in it with you.”

“Real empathy isn't understanding, it's silence, it's tears without answers.” His instruction is simple: “When someone opens their wound, don't show them your scar.” Just hold the space and stay with them.

Going deeper: Rabbi Landau's teaching, level by level

Surface claim

Relating your own experience to someone's pain can hijack it and make it about you.

Underlying need or longing

What does a person in pain really need?

Not someone who has been there, Rabbi Landau teaches, but someone who says, “I can't imagine your pain, but I'm here in it with you.”

Deepest human truth

Real empathy is restraint: silence, tears without answers, staying. Don't show them your scar.