Most people think empathy means relating.
- By Rabbi Landau
- Duration: 40 seconds
Rabbi Landau teaches Most people think empathy means relating.
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Most people think empathy means relating.
It doesn’t.
There is a subtle form of narcissism people don’t notice,
it’s called instrumental empathy.
Someone opens up about real pain.
Cancer. Loss. Fear.
And instead of holding space, we rush to say,
“I know how you feel. I had something similar.”
That sentence isn't kind.
It quietly hijacks their pain and makes it about you.
Real empathy doesn’t say, “I’ve been there.”
It says, “I haven’t… and I’m staying anyway.”
The pasuk puts it precisely:
בְּכָל צָרָתָם לוֹ צָר
It is their pain and you are present with them in it.
Real empathy isn’t understanding.
It’s restraint.
Silence.
Tears without answers.
When someone opens a wound,
don’t show them your scar.
Just stay.
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