Why do I judge myself by my intentions but others by their actions?

Rabbi Landau explains that most of us run a double standard: “You judge yourself by your intention and everyone else you judge by what they did.” You did something wrong, but you meant well, so you let yourself off the hook.

“Then your friend does the exact same thing and you don't stop to ask what he meant. You just saw what he did.” The same act, two completely different rules. “That's not honesty. That's a rigged game and you are the only one who gets the discount.”

Our sages teach, “b'midah she'adam moded, bah modedin lo,” by the measure a person uses, he is measured. “The same ruler you judge others, you also judge yourself.” So Rabbi Landau's challenge is to use one ruler: “Judge everyone by their intention or judge yourself by your actions. You can't have it both ways.”

Going deeper: Rabbi Landau's teaching, level by level

Surface claim

We judge ourselves by intentions and others by actions.

Fear, vulnerability, or tension

In A Soul at Peace, Rabbi Landau acknowledges the real frustration of “But I meant well”: we want to be seen for what was in our heart.

What may be behind it

In A Soul at Peace he writes that the measuring stick you use for others becomes the inner measuring stick you use for yourself, “not only from Heaven, but right inside you.”

Deepest human truth

Fairness means one ruler. Give others the same reading of intention you give yourself, or hold yourself to the same standard of action.

More questions from this teaching

• What does “the measure a person uses is the measure used on him” mean for how I judge others?