Why do the same relationship problems keep coming back?
By Rabbi Shalom Landau.
Rabbi Landau explains that the problems return because we treat the wrong thing. “You have been managing symptoms for years. The symptoms keep coming back because you keep treating symptoms.”
The real cause is usually the conversation that has been avoided for years. Swallowing it does not keep things stable: “Every time you swallow the truth to keep the peace, you are actively destroying the thing you are trying to protect.”
His advice for someone who wants to save a marriage is to stop managing and do “the thing that feels impossible right now. Not the thing that feels hard, the thing that feels impossible.” It costs something, but it is a trade worth making: a few days of discomfort to stop paying for decades of silence.
Related concepts: Marriage and the steering wheel · Relationships
In A Soul at Peace: Whatever Your Hand Finds to Do
Going deeper: Rabbi Landau's teaching, level by level
Surface claim
Recurring problems are symptoms; treating symptoms keeps them coming back.
Fear, vulnerability, or tension
The real conversation feels impossible, so it is avoided.
Deepest human truth
Healing comes from facing what has been avoided, with all your strength.
More questions from this teaching
More answers: Boundaries, Healing, and Emotional Resilience · All questions · Questions about Rabbi Landau and Rivnitz