What does it really mean when I tell my spouse they are controlling me?

Rabbi Landau teaches that “you’re controlling me” very often means “you’re not doing what I want.” So he asks a hard question: are you upset that your spouse controls you, or that you cannot control your spouse?

You want your spouse to stop controlling you, but must they follow your instructions to prove they have stopped? “You call it control when they insist. What do you call it when you insist?” In his words, “two people can fight for the steering wheel while each insists they only want freedom.” And if you don’t need to be in charge, he adds, you can sometimes even be happy to let your spouse lead.

So ask yourself honestly what is bothering you: the decision they made, or that you weren’t the one who made it? He brings the teaching of the Baal Shem Tov, “Kol hanega’im adam ro’eh chutz minega’ei atzmo,” a person sees every fault except his own. The fault you see outside yourself reflects the faults within yourself. “If your spouse is a controller, go to the mirror.”

Also answered in this teaching

Is it okay to let my spouse make the decisions?

Rabbi Landau teaches that if you don’t need to be in charge, you can sometimes even be happy to let your spouse lead. The struggle is often less about the decision and more about who made it.

Going deeper: Rabbi Landau's teaching, level by level

Surface claim

The complaint “you’re controlling me” often means “you’re not obeying me.”

Fear, vulnerability, or tension

Rabbi Landau asks whether the real upset is being controlled, or not being able to control. What bothers you may be that you weren’t the one who made the decision.

Underlying need or longing

Both spouses say they only want freedom, yet each is fighting for the steering wheel.

Deepest human truth

Following the Baal Shem Tov, the fault a person sees outside reflects the fault within. The place to start is the mirror.