Why do some people get upset when I start setting boundaries?

Rabbi Landau teaches that the way people react to a boundary reveals what kind of love was there. “Anyone who resents your boundaries never loved you. They loved your lack of them.”

You set one limit and suddenly they say you changed, you got worse, you're not the same person. “That person never liked you. They liked what you let them take.” You showed up when you wanted to stay home, you carried what was never yours to carry, “and they called that love. The day you stop, they don't see growth. They see a free thing that stopped being free.”

“The ones who actually love you do the opposite.” You draw a line and they say, good, about time. “They don't grieve the old you. They're proud of the new one.” As King Solomon said, “Ne'emanim pitz'ei ohev, v'na'taros neshikos sonei,” faithful are the wounds of a friend, but deceitful are the kisses of an enemy. Your boundaries don't push away the right people; they reveal the wrong ones.

Also answered in this teaching

Is setting a boundary a way of pushing people away?

In A Soul at Peace, Rabbi Landau writes that a boundary is not an act of pushing someone away but an act of order and building: a person marking out his place in his world and in his inner work.

Going deeper: Rabbi Landau's teaching, level by level

Surface claim

People who resent your boundaries loved your lack of them; people who love you are glad when you set them.

Fear, vulnerability, or tension

Being told “you changed” after setting one limit can make a person doubt himself.

What may be behind it

In A Soul at Peace, Rabbi Landau connects this to the Sages' teaching that love which depends on something ends when that something ends. A boundary shows, before it is too late, which kind of love you have.

Deepest human truth

Faithful are the wounds of a friend. Real love is proud of your growth and stays through the next boundary too.

More questions from this teaching

• How do people who truly love you react when you set a boundary?