Is avoiding conflict good for a marriage?
By Rabbi Shalom Landau.
Rabbi Landau teaches that “conflict isn’t the enemy of marriage, silence is.” A couple that never speaks up is not a strong couple. “It’s actually a fragile one. They are afraid they will destroy it.”
When you stop speaking up, he explains, “you stop being real, you stop risking, you stop connecting. You’re not keeping peace, you’re keeping the distance.” Real intimacy doesn’t happen on vacation. “It happens when you say, ‘I’m hurt, I’m angry, and I’m staying because I love you anyway.’ That’s when trust gets built.”
You may think you are protecting the relationship by staying quiet, but “you’re suffocating it.” The moment you are too afraid to show your pain, you stop being emotionally connected and “just become roommates with a ring.” Shlomo HaMelech said, “Ne’emanim pitzei ohev, v’na’taros neshikos sonei,” faithful are the wounds of a friend. “Real love wounds you with the truth. Fake peace kills you with comfort.”
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Going deeper: Rabbi Landau's teaching, level by level
Surface claim
Silence, not conflict, is the enemy of a marriage.
Fear, vulnerability, or tension
Couples who never speak up are afraid that honesty will destroy the relationship, which makes it fragile.
Underlying need or longing
What each spouse needs is to be real and still be loved: “I’m hurt, I’m angry, and I’m staying.”
Deepest human truth
Faithful are the wounds of a friend. Real love wounds with truth, while false peace kills with comfort. Avoiding conflict is really avoiding connection.
More questions from this teaching
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