Why did the passion fade after we got married?

Rabbi Landau answers that most people never married the person in front of them. “They don’t marry a person, they marry an image of the person,” a certain picture of the wife, a certain illusion of the husband, “and that’s whom they put a ring on.”

Then real life kicks in. The image starts to fade, and the passion fades with it. “You were never married to your partner,” he says. “You were married to an idea that you had of them. Your version of them.”

His advice is not to look for a new marriage but a new way of seeing: “Wake up, look at the real person in front of you, and go get married.”

Going deeper: Rabbi Landau's teaching, level by level

Surface claim

Most people marry an image of their spouse rather than the real person.

Fear, vulnerability, or tension

When real life begins and the image fades, the passion fades with it, and the bond can feel like it is slipping away.

Underlying need or longing

What a person truly wants is a bond with the real person in front of him, not with a picture he built.

Deepest human truth

In A Soul at Peace, Rabbi Landau writes that a love built on the outer picture shakes when daily life reveals more of the person. Seeing the real person and choosing them is how a marriage actually begins.