Does getting to know someone over many dates make for a stronger marriage?

Rabbi Landau teaches that a marriage is not built on what you find out about a person; “it’s built on what you let go of.” As he puts it, endless dating can turn into “rehearsing your disappointment.”

In the old days, he says, a couple met once or twice. She served tea, he nodded, done, “and they built empires of love that lasted 70 years.” Now people go on twenty dates and run background checks, and still the marriages fall apart. Why? “Because the more you get to know her, the more you think love is information.” And the moment she doesn’t match your notes, “you panic, you doubt, you run.”

“Marriage isn’t built on knowledge, it’s built on surrender.” He points to Avraham Avinu, who did not investigate Rivka; he said, “Hashem is going to send her.” “That’s faith, that’s marriage.”

He is not against asking questions. Go on the dates, ask your questions, do your research. But before you decide, remember that you never really got to know her, not on the first date and not on the thirtieth.

Also answered in this teaching

Should I still ask questions before getting engaged?

Rabbi Landau says yes: go on the dates, ask your questions, do your research. But remember that you never fully know a person, and a marriage is built on what you let go of.

Going deeper: Rabbi Landau's teaching, level by level

Surface claim

The more dating turns into checking, the more a person comes to think love is information.

Fear, vulnerability, or tension

Every detail that doesn’t match the notes brings panic, doubt, and running.

What may be behind it

In A Soul at Peace, Rabbi Landau writes that building a relationship on checking trains a person to look for flaws, so every extra date brings one more reason to say no.

Deepest human truth

Marriage is built on surrender and faith, like Avraham Avinu saying, “Hashem is going to send her.”

More questions from this teaching

• Why did marriages in earlier generations last after only a few meetings?