How should a husband show his wife he appreciates her?

Rabbi Landau teaches that a wife “wants to be seen, not for what she does, but for who she is.” Thanking her only for the dinner, the cleaning, or the laundry can sound like you are talking to an employee. “You’re not married to a maid. Stop talking to her like one.”

“She’s not your employee. She’s your queen,” he explains. “She didn’t come into your life to do things for you. She came to be something with you.”

That, he says, is why Shlomo HaMelech wrote, “Eishes chayil mi yimtza… batach bah lev ba’alah.” If you want to reach her heart, trust her. “Let your heart rest in her presence. That’s the key.”

So next time, instead of “Thanks for the laundry,” he suggests saying, “I love your energy. I feel so good when I’m around you. You light up this home just by being in it.” That is what she craves: “to feel felt, to be known, to be received.”

Going deeper: Rabbi Landau's teaching, level by level

Surface claim

Appreciating a wife only for what she does treats her like an employee rather than a queen.

Underlying need or longing

She wants to be seen for who she is: to feel felt, to be known, to be received.

Deepest human truth

Her husband’s heart trusts in her. In A Soul at Peace, Rabbi Landau writes that the verse says he trusts “in her,” in her very self, not only in her deeds.