Is it my fault that my husband is struggling with addiction?

Rabbi Landau answers that it is not. A wife often hears a voice in her head saying, “It’s my fault. If I would be a better wife, then he wouldn’t be where he is,” but he says plainly: “That’s absolutely not true. His addiction is his choice, it’s his fire.”

He describes how she starts to believe she is the cause, that if she gave more and loved more, he wouldn’t stumble. His response is clear: “A wife is not a mother, not a therapist, not a savior.” If she takes on his shame, she gets swallowed into his chaos, “and then both drown.”

He grounds this in the Torah, “each man dies for his own sin,” and in the words of our sages: “Who is a worthy wife? The one who does her husband’s will.” But, he explains, that means “not the will of his weakness, the will of his soul.”

So what is her role? “Not to jump into his storm, but to hold the house steady.” When she stands firm, he teaches, she pulls out his real desire, “the man he truly wants to be. That’s her power.”

Going deeper: Rabbi Landau's teaching, level by level

Surface claim

A wife is not responsible for her husband’s addiction. Rabbi Landau calls it “his choice” and “his fire.”

Fear, vulnerability, or tension

The voice in her head tells her that if she gave more or loved more, he would not stumble. If she believes it and takes on his shame, both of them drown in his chaos.

Underlying need or longing

What does a struggling husband actually need from his wife?

He does not need a mother, a therapist, or a savior. He needs a home held steady, so that someone is standing firm when he looks for a way out.

Deepest human truth

Each person carries his own struggle. In A Soul at Peace, Rabbi Landau writes that no one else can fight another person’s battle for him, and that if she jumps into his storm to save him, she may drown together with him. Her strength is in standing firm and drawing out his real desire.

More questions from this teaching

• What does it mean that a worthy wife does her husband’s will?